Does loyalty in marriage pay dividends?

[Julia]

She's been having this affair for 4 years

I think the time for "talking it out" and counseling is long past, this is a lifestyle for this woman stop trying to find an underlying reason to let her off the hook.

Mr Burns, that's a very reasonable comment. If someone had cheated on me for four years that would be the end, no questions or considerations.
But if it were that simple for McMark, he wouldn't be on an internet forum asking for opinions about his situation. It sounds as though, despite the infidelity, he wants to retain the relationship.

I wasn't 'trying to find an underlying reason to let her (or him) off the hook" as you put it. But relationships are rarely uncomplicated.
Let's remember we only have McMark's side of the story here.
Not making any suggestions here, McMark, but for all anyone on ASF knows you could have had serial affairs all your married life.
In other words, we have no idea of all the dynamics of the relationship so it seems to me precipitate to make judgements.

These things are different for everybody and we shouldnt make judgments (like I have) without knowing all the facts so yes counseling might be best but get a good one.

As I said before, a first test of her commitment or otherwise would be if she is prepared to have counselling. Even if this doesn't result in saving the marriage, it can make the separation process more civilised.

 

[moXJO]

touring asia? all those girls will "love u longtime" mr! depends wot part of asia ya talkin, n wot ya "bent" is!!

Herpes "love you long time" too.

Two choices really. Deal with it, and accept what happened. Do whatever it takes to resolve the problem. Or plan an exit and move on, and maybe find happiness elsewhere. Staying often seems easier. Leaving can be scary. Sometimes the hard road is more fulfilling. Really depends on you though. Don't live a lie while time is slipping away.

 

[MrBurns]

Mr Burns, that's a very reasonable comment. If someone had cheated on me for four years that would be the end, no questions or considerations.

Julia, I was just saying how I would react, everyones different I know.
It's a big bad world and the differences between people are sometimes huge, sometimes not ,depends in what context.

 

[billv]

mate,
Does she know that you know?
Are the assets in both names?
before you do anything consider the financial implications
Asset protection comes to mind.
Look into it.
I know it's a complex issue but cheaters IMO should not be rewarded

 

[MrBurns]

It hasnt with Zinifex and I am now wondering why I bothered with marriage.
Last year my son left home to study in a capital city, then my old dog died,
my father went mad with dementia after helping my mother with him for some years and the family had him admitted to full care. Then I had a health check , as you do when you reach 55 yrs, and discovered I had a 60% blocked artery which needed a stent. While recovering I found out my wife had been having an affair for the last 4 yrs. If this sounds like whinging and whining I apologise, unfortunately you cant discuss this sort of stuff with people you are connected with because it tends to be seen to be attempting to bring people on side. So I decided to put this issue on the table for any one interested in commenting. The dilemma is that what is lost and hard to restore is trust.
This continues (after 6 mths of working at my own thinking,) to be the stumbling block. Little things that led me to become suspicious like the mobile phone that was never visible and kept close at hand 24/7 and indifference are behaviours that seem to be creeping back. Message history is now continually deleted, and I am told it happened due to error. Deleting message history is a convoluted process. Am I going mad?
I am interested in views on this. Please ask questions if you like , I will be happy to fill you in. Perhaps someone has been through this.

Just re read the original post and will respond to that rather than just give my knee jerk reaction as if it were me.

It sounds like you've had it out with her , are still together but she's still acting strangely.

From what you said it sounds like she's still got this thing going with whoever it is, you dont just stop an affair after 4 years.

Trust is out the window , you should examine what will happen if you split and if that's bearable do it, financial and emotional consequences need to be considered.

Emotionally is't hard but sometimes the only way is to split.

If you dont split it seems you will have to accept that you live together but lead separate lives , I couldnt do that perhaps you can, I think a a number of couples do that for the convenience of it.

From what I've read I think there's little chance you will ever be able to resolve this and mend the damage.

You will probably never trust her again so just accept that, either go or stay and live with it, at least now you know the truth.

 

[tech/a]

I know it's a complex issue but cheaters IMO should not be rewarded

Unfortunately the legal system doesnt hold your view.

 

[MrBurns]

Unfortunately the legal system doesnt hold your view.

No fault divorse -

She screws the entire local football team does nothing for 20 years makes your life hell, screws your neighbours and everyone but you then walks away with half or more of your life's work, because thats what she's entitled to under the law.

 

[kincella]

my 2 cents worth...sometimes the 'affair' itself is more exciting than the actual relationship....maybe they are both cheating on a spouse ......just wondering why she is still with you....??? has not left you....if she were in love with another why not leave....or are the financial affairs of the marriage more important to her.......
you need a counsellor with both of you to bring out the truth....
maybe the other one has a similar tie up ...more financially attractive to stay with his partner.....
or maybe its just a 2nd life change thing with a younger man...with no real intention of leaving you...just a fling thats gone on too long....

on the other hand...can you imagine life without your partner....living alone etc...would you find another ? too many questions...and you need to protect yourself financially......try counselling and working it through.....being divorced or separated has the same stress levels of a death....the loss of a loved one

I left a cheating spouse many many years ago....never replaced them....enjoy living alone.....the other one has had numerous relationships...and still cheats on the partners..........
some people ignore the infidelity....to protect the financial assets
good luck for the future

 

[MrBurns]

I think counseling for sure, no doubt that's your next move. BUT get a good one

 

[Nyden]

some people ignore the infidelity....to protect the financial assets
good luck for the future

Sorry to go a touch off topic, but I think that's truly sad. Another argument supporting prenuptial agreements I suppose. Out of curiosity, would anyone feel offended if their partner asked this of them? Surely it's just playing the odds, as I believe something like 1/3 marriages fail. I personally believe that by taking financial risk out of the equation, many marriages might be stronger for it.

I realise that it's not exactly romantic (mentioning that there's a 33% chance of divorce!), but such discussions could even lead to more realistic expectations prior to marriage. It can't always be lust, candles, and bubble-baths

Back on topic, Mark - I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do, or what you - or your partner is feeling now. It all depends on whether or not you both want to continue on, and more importantly - if you feel as though you can ever trust her again, or even respect her for that matter. If you feel unable to do this, (and unable to rectify that in the future) then it is simply unfair on both of you to continue.

 

[Snakey]

Unfortunately the legal system doesnt hold your view.

What about the illegal system?

 

[xyzedarteerf]

Sounds like a plan right there, pack up and tour Asia for a while. If anything it will clear your mind of other things, that's for darn sure!

Don't fall in love with the first girl you meet though!

CanOz

there a wee bit pricey considering there's a recession...

seriously though hope you come through ok...my sister and my sister in law's marriages a came apart a few years back its no laughing matter specially with kids involved...Good Luck.

 

[billv]

or even respect her for that matter.

Good point

 

[tech/a]

These new proposed laws which are designed to allow people who have been in long term Affairs to lay claim to each parties assets may have some impact.

But I wonder if they have taken into consideration.
(1) The other innocent party being further disadvantaged by such a claim,particularly if that party wishes to continue the Marriage. (I know 2 couples that have and are still together 15 and 20 yrs respectively).
OR
(2) There are some sick people out there who could entrap wealthy lovers (And they may well be single) with the view of getting a windfall---even if initially they are seen to split!!

I also knew of a couple who openly allowed the wife to have affairs---and she took great advantage of it having 9 that I knew of. They stayed together for their 25 yrs of marriage he 15 years her senior until she died of Breast Cancer---well before her time (Or not soon enough perhaps to some!).

Its a weird world we live in!

 

[awg]

It hasnt with Zinifex and I am now wondering why I bothered with marriage.
So I decided to put this issue on the table for any one interested in commenting. The dilemma is that what is lost and hard to restore is trust.
This continues (after 6 mths of working at my own thinking,) to be the stumbling block. Little things that led me to become suspicious like the mobile phone that was never visible and kept close at hand 24/7 and indifference are behaviours that seem to be creeping back. Message history is now continually deleted, and I am told it happened due to error. Deleting message history is a convoluted process. Am I going mad?
I am interested in views on this. Please ask questions if you like , I will be happy to fill you in. Perhaps someone has been through this.

As this is a money orientated forum, I will first say that a divorce will f*ck yr finances beyond belief...I have seen this outcome MANY times

If I was you I would definitely schedule marriage counselling, as it should draw out and focus on the issues, individual psychological therapy can be undertaken as well, (separate counsellors)

IMO an affair should not be the defining reason for marriage finishing, a huge number of couples are married, with all sorts of irregularities, I can think of many prominent persons etc.

You have not indicated if both u, and yr partner think it is best, on balance to continue or not?

 

[marcadrian]

Thats crap and a cop out of an excuse to play around, if a man loves his wife he wouldnt even dream of it.



LOL where do you live...... in a sit com ?

Wouldn't even dream of it?

Let me get this straight. You have never, ever, dreamed about being with someone else even for just a second? Never once beat the bishop and thought of someone other than your wife?

Applause necessary if this is the case.

Don't let it stop you from realising that some men go through particularly hard patches in their marriage. (Women too, but lets focus on the men for a second). The secretary at work is listening to your problems more than the wife. Sex hasn't been on for two years because your wife has hang ups about her body, and while you love her with all your being, the girl at the bar keeps making suggestions that she thinks shagging you would be better than winning the lottery.

Just because you cross the line does not mean that you automatically do not love your wife. We're human, we make mistakes. It's your sort of dangerous attitude that doesn't let people recover from them and make amends.

 

[Largesse]

Wouldn't even dream of it?

Let me get this straight. You have never, ever, dreamed about being with someone else even for just a second? Never once beat the bishop and thought of someone other than your wife?

Applause necessary if this is the case.

Don't let it stop you from realising that some men go through particularly hard patches in their marriage. (Women too, but lets focus on the men for a second). The secretary at work is listening to your problems more than the wife. Sex hasn't been on for two years because your wife has hang ups about her body, and while you love her with all your being, the girl at the bar keeps making suggestions that she thinks shagging you would be better than winning the lottery.

Just because you cross the line does not mean that you automatically do not love your wife. We're human, we make mistakes. It's your sort of dangerous attitude that doesn't let people recover from them and make amends.

MATE,


FLING =/= 4 YEAR AFFAIR

 

[So_Cynical]

No fault divorse -

She screws the entire local football team does nothing for 20 years makes your life
hell, screws your neighbours and everyone but you then walks away with half or
more of your life's work, because thats what she's entitled to under the law.

At least she don't automatically get the kids any more

John Howard's greatest accomplishment.

Let me get this straight. You have never, ever, dreamed about being with someone
else even for just a second? Never once beat the bishop and thought of someone
other than your wife?

Applause necessary if this is the case..

I know i never did....and pity any man or woman in that situation....my ex is still the
hottest looking 43 year old i know.

 

[daisy]

This may not be about money. Marriages get tired. Sex gets stale. Maybe your wife loves you which is why she hasn’t left you but needs something else as well. A middle-aged woman looking in the mirror feeling time is running out. Children need her less and less. The escapism and excitement of an affair. Forbidden sex must have an extra element of excitement. Not my style but I’d be a liar if I said I hadn’t thought about it. And I do love my husband.

My first husband was “a player”. I could almost have coped with the actual sexual infidelity. It was the lying that I could not cope with and caused me to move on despite his genuine hurt that I did so.
Get counselling. You may at least find out why. Which will help you move beyond this either with your wife or without her.

 

[Julia]

Daisy, realistic and thoughtful post.