Does loyalty in marriage pay dividends?

[McMark]

It hasnt with Zinifex and I am now wondering why I bothered with marriage.
Last year my son left home to study in a capital city, then my old dog died,
my father went mad with dementia after helping my mother with him for some years and the family had him admitted to full care. Then I had a health check , as you do when you reach 55 yrs, and discovered I had a 60% blocked artery which needed a stent. While recovering I found out my wife had been having an affair for the last 4 yrs. If this sounds like whinging and whining I apologise, unfortunately you cant discuss this sort of stuff with people you are connected with because it tends to be seen to be attempting to bring people on side. So I decided to put this issue on the table for any one interested in commenting. The dilemma is that what is lost and hard to restore is trust.
This continues (after 6 mths of working at my own thinking,) to be the stumbling block. Little things that led me to become suspicious like the mobile phone that was never visible and kept close at hand 24/7 and indifference are behaviours that seem to be creeping back. Message history is now continually deleted, and I am told it happened due to error. Deleting message history is a convoluted process. Am I going mad?
I am interested in views on this. Please ask questions if you like , I will be happy to fill you in. Perhaps someone has been through this.

 

[Sean K]

counselor .....

good luck.

 

[inenigma]

Stop Loss ??

 

[Trevor_S]

It hasnt with Zinifex

I had owned Pasminco, so there was no way I was ever going to touch Zinifex ... let alone Oz.

Am I going mad?

As to the rest of your tail of woe... I am not sure if I should touch this. The only thing I would suggest is talk to the other half, a serious long talk be very open and honest about your thoughts. Try not to be angry though.

I have been through some of what you have been through and a few different things as well (father instead of dog for example) and am just starting to come out the other side... I hope

The rest of it just happens and is part of life, sucky as it is. People age and get sicker as they age, friends and family start to die, animals age and die, kids move on..

best of luck to you !

 

[McMark]

thanks guys

 

[JimBob]

Hire a private investigator to calm your paranoia.

 

[Ashsaege]

Jeez doesnt sound too good mate.

But don't become the victim.

My girlfriend's father recently passed away due to a heart attack. She's being going through an extremely tough time, but I find her really inspirational because she refuses to be the victim. She is getting on with her life and is starting to kick goals with her business.

A guy at my work told me the story about his close mate. His mate was a director of a company and was doing quite well. But his wife decided to leave him and she took everything. This guy didn't decide to become the victim, but instead he thought 'F@ck it, i will show her'.
He now has $6million worth of debt, and $30-40million worth of property in QLD.
He is currently somewhere in Vietnam enjoying himself. Happy finish.

 

[nomore4s]

Ouch, now that's a bad year.

I would suggest that after your wife having an affair for 4 years I would think it will be very hard to trust her again. You may never ever get that trust back now.

My Advice - F her off and get a new dog :. But in reality this is of course alot harder than that. You just need to work through things and decide whether the relationship is worth saving as it will require alot of hard work from you and your wife to save it.

Good luck and after going through a messy break up myself I feel for you.

 

[tech/a]

Been at both ends.

Ive learnt this.
(1) If your really in love you wont look or be tempted elsewhere.
(2) Make it plain stupidity for your partner to look elsewhere---if of course you love them.

Have a good look at yourself---would any woman at your age or better still 10 yrs younger fall over themselves to be YOUR partner?---If the answers NO then why would you expect your partner to put up with less. If YES then shes nuts and you'll have a ball checking out the credentials of your next partner.

(3) Above all if all is lost,negotiate negotiate negotiate and be very very friendly.Display HURT not anger. Give sympathy NOT animosity. What you give out you'll get back!!!

Finally
There is always opportunity.
Humans are strange creatures when we become hurt by a partner we think that there is only one partner for us out of the 6,000,000,000 people out there!
Make yourself a MALE MINX.
Time for a make over. The best payback is YET TO COME.

 

[disarray]

Then I had a health check , as you do when you reach 55 yrs, and discovered I had a 60% blocked artery which needed a stent.

i found with some of the older men in my family / circle that a realisation of their mortality brings about huge shifts in behaviour. people who were pricks for a long time suddenly became nice once they realised the end was actually within sight. sometimes it is too late and they can make amends all they want but it isn't enough to make up for a lifetime of being a selfish asshole. sometimes there is enough time to put in the hard emotional yards and mend those burnt bridges so that when they die the people they love will mourn them, which is pretty much the best outcome you can hope for at the end of your life.

it seems weird posting your heart on a public message board full of stock traders but if it helps you then i hope it does. i like to keep a circle of female friends (preferably married / attached so there aren't any sex hangups) to vent my emotional stuff to, you got some women to talk to? either way the most important thing to do is ask the following questions and be brutally honest, if you just bullsh1t yourself you'll never grow as a person.

why did your wife have an affair?

do you truly love her? or is it just emotional habit?

trust is something that grows and is easily shattered. it can be put back together again but you need self-realisation (in the zen kinda sense) to put it into persepective, otherwise your ego will just get in the way and you won't be able to process your emotions effectively. only when you understand the hows and whys of your emotions can you master them, and the more you can master them the better the person you can be.

best of luck, i hope it works out ok for you.

 

[Bushman]

trust is something that grows and is easily shattered. it can be put back together again but you need self-realisation (in the zen kinda sense) to put it into persepective, otherwise your ego will just get in the way and you won't be able to process your emotions effectively. only when you understand the hows and whys of your emotions can you master them, and the more you can master them the better the person you can be.

.

You could apply this statement to the greedy bankers out there too (Thain, Pankrit, the dude from Lehmans etc). Bet you there is some soul searching happening in the back of those corporate paddy vans.

Sorry to detract conversation from the ASF relationship love-in. My advice is write-off the wife from the emotional balance sheet and get on with your life. You will always resent her deep down and that will fester away in you, further eroding your sense of self-worth. But then again I am a dysfunctional business analyst so maybe listed to some of the other blokes.

 

[Knobby22]

Someone has analysed your relationship, refer below:
maybe some ideas?

http://www.epinions.com/review/kifm-Network-Cartoon_Network-Flintstones/content_8567033476

Fred Flintstone: represents the Working Class Man--blue collar American. He always thinks of himself first, and has to fix the damages as a result of his actions later. Fred is given to bouts of anger at his wife, Wilma, and his neighbor/best friend Barney. He will often do things with Barney at the expense of his relationship with Wilma, and they're often teamed against each other, driving Wilma and Fred farther apart. A prototype of Homer Simpson, but more malicious and more likely to be an abusive husband.

Wilma Flintstone: Conniving, back-biting wife who is far more likely to undermine and conspire against Fred than to team up with him. She and Betty are good friends, but Wilma often resents the loveless marriage she was forced into by her bullying man. Left at home often to take care of Pebbles and the house--her life is made easier by the slavery of other beasts like her mammoth dishwasher. She and Betty will often go on shopping sprees that neither family can afford, putting them on enormous credit card bills, and then having to come up with Get Rich Quick schemes later to pay for them.

 

[MrBurns]

Marriage is probably worth it for the lucky ones who pick the right person, more often than not the decision the marry is made when the lights are out.

Cant tell what's right for YOU but I would throw her out and send her to him and divorse her immediately.

Money ? well it's only money. your freedom is worth more.

Try to work out why you married her in the first place and dont make that mistake again.

Have your op.

Book a tour of Europe in a group not that expensive for one person.

Settle back and reflect on how you got caught up in all this **** , after all it only happens to others doesnt it ?

 

[Prospector]

Sorry this seems to have come all at once for you.

The most crippling thing with disloyalty in marriage, is that it destroys trust. And once that 'perfect trust' has gone, then every act seems suspicious, whereas before you wouldnt have given it a second thought. You are obviously checking her mobile phone? Hell, I wouldnt like my hubby to do that and I have nothing to hide. So this isnt good for you, and it isnt good for her. She may just as well be guilty (again) because you think she is anyway.

You will need to think about whether or not you can move past that; if you can't, do you really want to spend the rest of your life being suspicious about, well, everything she does? I cant imagine she would want that either. Not a great basis to sustain a healthy relationship either. You deserve better.

A Counsellor will help you sort this out. Go and see one before you take one step too far. It really will help you to sort the issues out.

All the best.

 

[Sir Osisofliver]

Threesome!!

:nuts:

Ok Well maybe not.

Stop looking at me like that.

I'm leaving now.

 

[Julia]

I'm really sorry you've had such a horrible year.

There have been some good comments made. I'm with Trevor S in feeling you need to have a frank talk with your wife. I'm wondering what she wants?
i.e. there seems not much point in your trying to sort out whether you can ever feel trust again if she's not genuinely interested in your relationship succeeding.

An affair is usually a symptom of an underlying problem. Did she talk about whatever this may have been when you discovered the affair?

Disarray has made an interesting point about awareness of one's mortality causing evaluation of other aspects of our existence. Maybe your own illness could also be affecting your wife's attitude towards what she might see as "making the most of what's left of life".

As Prospector suggests, a good counsellor will help you sort all this out.
If your wife says she genuinely wants to save the relationship, then she will be prepared to engage in counselling with you.

Re the dog: this is always sad. Unfortunately, dogs have such short lives.
Hope you'll wait until everything is sorted out before getting another one so if there's a separation the poor dog doesn't get discarded in the process.

Best of luck.

 

[MrBurns]

I'm really sorry you've had such a horrible year.

There have been some good comments made. I'm with Trevor S in feeling you need to have a frank talk with your wife. I'm wondering what she wants?
i.e. there seems not much point in your trying to sort out whether you can ever feel trust again if she's not genuinely interested in your relationship succeeding.

An affair is usually a symptom of an underlying problem. Did she talk about whatever this may have been when you discovered the affair?

Disarray has made an interesting point about awareness of one's mortality causing evaluation of other aspects of our existence. Maybe your own illness could also be affecting your wife's attitude towards what she might see as "making the most of what's left of life".

As Prospector suggests, a good counsellor will help you sort all this out.
If your wife says she genuinely wants to save the relationship, then she will be prepared to engage in counseling with you.

Re the dog: this is always sad. Unfortunately, dogs have such short lives.
Hope you'll wait until everything is sorted out before getting another one so if there's a separation the poor dog doesn't get discarded in the process.

Best of luck.

She's been having this affair for 4 years

I think the time for "talking it out" and counseling is long past, this is a lifestyle for this woman stop trying to find an underlying reason to let her off the hook.

These things are different for everybody and we shouldnt make judgments (like I have) without knowing all the facts so yes counseling might be best but get a good one.

 

[Knobby22]

Seriously I am with everyone here (except Mr Burns). (Also, couldn't resist the Fred Flinstone thing).

Rather than hate and checking on phones etc. maybe look at yourself, go to gym to get fit. See what you can do to smooth it over. A holiday perhaps, but I would have the holiday on an island where you can relax and can talk to others as well.

The affair may have been to improve her self esteem or just boredom or maybe she has no real aims in life. Maybe you could help resolve these in other ways. She didn't leave you. It's not hopeless. Try to work it out without bitterness and hopefully with love.

I know it would hurt. If it happened to me I would be upset but give her a chance.
You need to discuss it with her showing you are hurt butr without too much anger.

 

[marcadrian]

Been at both ends.

Ive learnt this.
(1) If your really in love you wont look or be tempted elsewhere.
(2) Make it plain stupidity for your partner to look elsewhere---if of course you love them.

Rubbish.

A man can be deeply in love with his wife, dedicated to her and the family, yet still succumb to temptation elsewhere. Happens on overseas work trips all the time. Most marriages that have run their course over the decades include a little side dish at least once.

It happened, you need to move past that. In my mind it was probably better you never knew, but now that it has spilled out you decide that either 1) she knows to admit the mistake to herself, correct her actions and refocus back on the marriage or 2) she can't do these things in which case you can't change her mind and move on.

 

[Knobby22]

Rubbish.

A man can be deeply in love with his wife, dedicated to her and the family, yet still succumb to temptation elsewhere. Happens on overseas work trips all the time. Most marriages that have run their course over the decades include a little side dish at least once.

It happened, you need to move past that. In my mind it was probably better you never knew, but now that it has spilled out you decide that either 1) she knows to admit the mistake to herself, correct her actions and refocus back on the marriage or 2) she can't do these things in which case you can't change her mind and move on.

Well put.