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ASF joke thread

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A few more on the ah, offensive side...

What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.

What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.

What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?
Getting the water bill.

How is a sibling-like a laxative?
They both give you the shits.

How do you know when the dishwasher has stopped working?
She’ll be sleeping next to you.

Why do cats make the perfect animal for experimentation?
Simple, they have nine lives.
 
Is this a joke ? Could it be funny ? Is Life Imitating Art now ?

Spanish bishop who married erotica author is stripped of powers ​

Xavier Novell i Gomà was Spain’s youngest bishop before abandoning clerical career to marry Silvia Caballol


Xavier Novell i Gomà automatically forfeited his powers as a bishop after marrying Silvia Caballol. Photograph: Iglesia en Valladolid

Sam Jones in Madrid

@swajones
Mon 13 Dec 2021 00.03 AEDT
First published on Sun 12 Dec 2021 13.04 AEDT


A Spanish bishop has been formally stripped of his powers and prohibited from administering the sacraments four months after he abandoned his clerical career to marry a “dynamic and transgressive” erotic novelist.

..It soon emerged that Novell had abandoned his vocation because he had fallen in love with Silvia Caballol, a clinical psychologist who became a novelist in 2015.

.... Caballol’s publisher, Lacre, describes the writer as “a dynamic and transgressive author who’s made her mark on the thorny world of literature by turning all our moral and ethical questions upside down”.

According to the Lacre website, her Amnesia trilogy is about “the logical against the illogical, the rational against the irrational, good against evil, and madness against sanity.”

Novell, who has a degree in agricultural engineering and who was ordained in 1997, is now reported to be working for a company that extracts and sells pig semen.

Spanish bishop who married erotica author is stripped of powers

Xavier Novell i Gomà was Spain’s youngest bishop before abandoning clerical career to marry Silvia Caballol
www.theguardian.com
 
'The Bishop's gambol' for you chess players.
 
Silly season jests.

1. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?​

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

2. Why was the snowman smiling?​

He could see the snowblower coming down the street.

3. What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?​

Their balls are just ornamental.

4. Why is Santa so damn jolly?​

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

5. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?​

They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.
 
More quickies...

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…

… but then I turned myself around.


Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”


Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.


The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.


If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.


I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket:

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”


Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
 
A lady and a guy were sitting together on a long haul flight, being strangers the lady decided to strike up conversation, she turned to the guy who was reading a book and asked,"what are you reading"?
To which the man looked up from the book and said, "it is an encyclopedia of sexual facts", not being deterred the lady asked, "have you found any that are interesting".
The man looked up again from the book and said,"yes actually I just read, on average the the American Indians have longest and thinnest penises in the World, whereas the Irish have the shortest and thickest penises".
The lady thinking I really really need to get off this subject says, "oh and by the way what is your name"?
To which he replies, "Tonto O'Shaughnessy".
 
A few jokes with a Russian tilt:
  • A Russian man walked into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. One vodka for me, and one for the road.
  • Russian maths teacher: If I have 5 bottles of vodka in one arm, and six bottles of vodka in the other. What do I have? Russian Student: A drinking problem.
  • Russian doctor: Ma’am, due to your declining health, I would advise you to no longer touch anything alcoholic. Woman: I guess I’ll have to get a divorce.
  • Vodka isn’t just a liquid. It’s a solution!
  • Why is Russian vodka so clear? It’s so Russians can tell it isn’t tap water.
  • A woman asked her husband: What forces you to drink vodka every day? The husband replied: Nobody forces me, I volunteer.
Assassination Attempt:
A man is waiting in line for several hours at his local bank to try to withdraw his money. He loses patience, and, furiously, ends up screaming “This was a stupid war. I’m going to go and kill Putin because he’s done all of this.”

He goes to the Kremlin, fuming.

A few minutes later, he is back in line at the bank.

“Hey you came back” says another person waiting in line “what happened?”

“The line at the Kremlin is even longer than this one…”
 
Rupert Murdoch already has a new Tinder profile

Newly single and with a spring in his step, media mogul Rupert Murdoch was back on the prowl this morning, with a brand new profile on dating site Tinder.

 

A conversation between a camel and its mother​


Baby camel: Mum, why do we have humps on our back?

Mother camel: So that we can store food and water for many days when we trek for long distances in the desert.

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have thick eyelashes?

Mother camel: So that we can avoid sand from entering our eyes during a sandstorm in a desert.

Baby camel: Mum, why have we got wide feet?

Mother camel: So that we can trek easily in the desert

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have such long legs?

Mother camel: So that we can walk easily on sand and keep our body high above it in the desert.

Baby camel: Mum?

Mother camel: Yes dear?

Baby camel: Then what the hell are we doing in the zoo?
 
Jokes with a Russian twist.

I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.

I asked my Russian friend "How is it going?"
He replied "I can not complain."

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
The bus and train timetables.

What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.

Adam and Eve
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
 
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