Australian (ASX) Stock Market Forum

ASF joke thread

Joe Blow

Staff member
28 May 2004
I'm a big believer in laughter. I like to laugh and I like a good joke. I've also noticed we have a few amateur comedians on board here. I got an unexpected giggle or two from the Domino's Pizza thread, amongst others!

So in an attempt to inject a little non-seriousness into Aussie Stock Forums I've decided to start a joke thread. We can keep all the funny business in here and leave the serious business to the rest of the forums. When the market turns against you and things are looking grim, you can always pop into this thread and have a laugh.

Feel free to add a joke to this thread.... just keep it fairly clean! There are ladies and children present!


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Heard this oldie on the radio the other morning.

Q: Why do they call the area between a woman's breasts and her hips a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

There are two types of traders:

- those who cannot forecast stock prices, and
- those who do not know that they cannot forecast stock prices.

PS That's me at the moment!
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Sydney to Perth.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
An oldie, but one of my all-time favourites:

Q: What do you get if you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic agnostic?

A: Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

A client and their broker were eating dinner, as the main course is delivered the client knocks the steak knife off their plate and it falls towards the broker's foot. The broker just watches it fall until it stabs him in the foot, prompting the client to ask, 'Why didn't you move your foot?' The broker replies, 'I was waiting for it to go back up'
Why did the Chicken cross the road?

To get back to his computer to keep ramping ZFX and BPC...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" ;)


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A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down
by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her:

"Before you get settled in," he said, "we have a little see,
we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and
we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh I see" said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "but I have higher orders. We're
instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven and then
you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the
downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in hell she stepped out
onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club,
around her were many past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy and
cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country
club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling
jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave, everyone shook
her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator
went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day's end St. Peter returned.

"So," he said, "you've spent a day in hell, and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied: "Well, heaven is certainly
lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell."

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back
down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a hot desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is here is just a
dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
Some great stuff there folks, keep it up! The HR joke reminds me of some of the big professional firms that roll out the red carpet to entice young grads desperate for a job during the summer apprenticeship periods- once they're on the fulltime payroll it all changes.

posted by Fleeta
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
To get back to his computer to keep ramping ZFX and BPC...

Fleeta's reminded me of an old email that did the rounds some time ago, here it is, all chicken jokes for your pleasure:


PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN What chicken?

KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

In the book "The Essays of Warren Buffett", on page 190;

"Ben Graham told a story 40 years ago that illustrates why investment professionals behave as they do: An oil prospector, moving to his heavenly reward, was met by St Peter with bad news. "You're qualified for residence", said St Peter, "but, as you can see, the compound reserved for oil men is packed. There's no way to squeeze you in."

After thinking a moment, the prospector asked if he might say just four words to the present occupants. That seemed harmless to St Peter, so the prospector cupped his hands and yelled:


Immediately, the gate to the compound opened and all of the oil men marched out to head for the nether regions. Impressed, St Peter invited the prospector to move in and make himself comfortable. The prospector paused.

"No," he said, "I think I'll go along with the rest of the boys. There might be some truth to that rumour after all." :)
"A fool and his money are easily parted"

Yeh fine what I want to know is-------

"Whats a fool doing with money in the first place??"

"Where there is a will there is a benificiary!!"
Investor said:
I used to be indecisive. Now, I am just not sure.
Ah yes... there's a pile of them.

I used to be apathetic, but now I can't be bothered.

I used to be a quitter, but it all just became too hard.

I used to be inattentive, but... um... what were we talking about again?

I used to be submissive, but now I'm allowed not to be if I ask nicely.

I used to suffer from Alzheimers, but I forget what became of that now.

And the all-time classic: I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nooooowwwwww! (you really have to hear this one told :D)

A nice clean one to reignite this thread! :D

Q: What's E.T. short for?

A: Simply because he's got little legs!