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ASF joke thread

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I'm sure this advice could resonate amongst the majority of use trying to do the right thing at home.

Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! ❣
 
Going a little stir crazy here..
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!. The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to... yes, you guessed it... pull myself together.
 
A bed time story.

Trump goes to bed and...
Early in the night, the ghost of FDR appears.
Trump asks him how he can make America great again.
FDR replies, “Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.”
Trump declaims, “FAKE NEWS!”

A few hours later he is awakened by the ghost of George Washington.
Trump asks, “How can I make America great again?”
Washington replies, “Never tell a lie.”
Trump is infuriated!

Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
Again Trump asks, “How can I make America great again?”
Lincoln responds, “Go to the theatre.”
 
Perhaps not a joke ? Well worth the read..

Woman's attraction to chandeliers not a sexual orientation, ruling says
Amanda Liberty made complaint about article mocking declaration of love for light fitting

Jim Waterson Media editor

Wed 15 Apr 2020 00.01 AEST First published on Tue 14 Apr 2020 19.43 AEST

  • Library picture of a chandelier. Liberty made the complaint after the tabloid newspaper mocked her love for Lumiere, her name for an intricate lamp she bought on eBay. Photograph: @ Mariano Sayno/husayno.com/G
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A British woman in a long-term relationship with a 92-year-old German chandelier has been told that her attraction to historic light fittings is not considered to be a protected sexual orientation.

The press regulator, Ipso, made the ruling after Amanda Liberty, a woman from Leeds in her mid thirties, complained about an article in the Sun mocking her public declaration of love for Lumiere, her name for an intricate lamp she bought on eBay.
https://www.theguardian.com/media/2...handeliers-not-a-sexual-orientation-ipso-says
 
It was well hung.
 
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation while visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died from a heart attack.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for a proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that sending a body back to the States for burial was very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $20,000.00. The Consul then advised that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body there. This would only cost $250.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That is what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, said "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the cost."
"Well," says George, "I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!
 
to laugh or cry, your call:
Just completed a survey after some interaction with the ATO , which decided to ask for my feedback
I believe the links say it all:
 
Tony Abbott top honours hey.

A screaming BL... ddy joke
 
explod said:
Tony Abbott top honours hey.

A screaming BL... ddy joke
Click to expand...
Feel sorry for him. He really wanted a knighthood, but after all his efforts bringing it back the government got rid of them before he could get one.
 
macca said:
All politicians giving other pollies a gong for just doing their job are a joke,

Red or Blue here's one for you
Click to expand...
It's always a few pollies, a sports star and a politically correct choice. Really ruins the respect we all have for the awards.
 
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