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ASF joke thread

Not PC but what the hell, here goes.

How do you make a cat go "woof"?
Pour petrol over the cat then throw a lit match at it.

How do you make a dog go "meow"?
Run the dog through a circular saw.
 
My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where you're taking me when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
 
Three quick ones...

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Sydney Tower?
Of course! Buildings can’t jump.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

My partner asked me, "How do I look?"
I said, "With your eyes."
 
More quickies:

You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed my brother off.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
 
 
Big Bang Theory jokes.

Sheldon arrogantly asked Mary, "If the great flood were true, what pray tell did Noah feed the big cats?" She answered as quick as a wink "The corpses of floating heathens."

Sheldon to Mum. “Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book?” “When God writes one, I will.”
 
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street, when they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asked his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home. A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies, Making a baby." The little boy says, "Well, flip her over! I'd rather have a puppy!"
 
Proverbs 26:4 and 26:5 Definitely still true.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Or you will also be like him.
Answer a fool as his folly deserves,
That he not be wise in his own eyes.
 
Sorry, previous was not a joke.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I am not sure but the flag is a big plus.
 
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