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ASF joke thread

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I thought the best place for this was in the Joke thread.
I mean could you actually believe this was a literacy test for voters in the US ?

The punch line is at the end of the video..

 
Urine Test for Old Farts

My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the corona virus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test. This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, and because they're shutdown too.

Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ant's gather: DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS.
If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S
 
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Sydney.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
 
Fears changes to news-sharing policy may turn Facebook into some sort of awful hellhole of fake news and conspiracy theories


With Facebook threatening to ban users from posting news on its site, there are concerns the social media platform may quickly descend into a ghastly hub of fake news, conspiracy theories, bullying and extremist rhetoric.

Experts cautioned against the change, saying Facebook could morph into a bin fire of unverified content before our eyes.

“The last thing we want is for Facebook to become a platform for extremist theories or crazy ideas,” media expert Johnathan Reece said.

“If we’re not careful, this could become a place where people go to organise Nazi rallies, discourage parents from vaccinating their children, or to spread ridiculous theories about mobile phone towers. Is that what we want?

“Today Facebook is a space where people share wholesome stories about their lives and factually accurate articles about what’s going on in the world. But if we’re not careful, it could quickly become a place where people spread insane ideas like how Hillary Clinton is secretly operating a paedophile ring in the basement of a Washington DC pizza shop”.

https://www.theshovel.com.au/2020/0...a_officially_in_recession&utm_term=2020-09-03
 
My Scottish mate sent me this. I am pretty sure he is joking and its not really him.

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"£85 for an extraction, sir"
"£85?”, the man replies. “Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," replies the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5. But it will be traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?
 
My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.
I asked her, "Does it tell the time?
My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."
.........................................
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

..........................................
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

..........................
Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."
 
Politically incorrect wives jokes.
Handle with care...

Wives

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has
helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”

******

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called
‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"

Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your
wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an
anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...

Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !

******

For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humor ??

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the
best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

******

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make
wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get
married and wonder what happened!

******

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?

A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to
handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot
of improvement!?

******

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means
is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

******

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his
sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
 
For those looking for some light relief (as distinct from a happy ending ..) check out The Shovels 2020 Annual.
Front cover is a great start.


The Shovel Annual 2020

In 2020 we lived through two of the most traumatic events in living memory: the shocking bushfires in Australia and Gwyneth Paltrow’s...
theshovel.bigcartel.com
 
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