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ASF joke thread

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A chicken and an Egg had just finished a hot sex session both were sitting back having a giggie when one turn to the other and said I guess that answers that question.
 
trainspotter said:
Rockingham (could be any local lower socio economic suburb close to you) flood victims need assistance - Please Give Generously
Click to expand...
I know this place. Nothing was insured but the victims are still complaining that the insurance companies should pay up anyway.
 
A criminal flees to Pakistan, hops in a Taxi and says,
"Take me to a place where I will be safe from the FBI."

The driver says "What, ... Bin Laden's house?"
 
Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."
 
Kid turns up at the door to pick up his girlfriend the father comes out tells the kid "be careful with her she has Acute Angina"
the kid replies yer "I know great boobs as well"
 
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'Gday Presshus put that away for now and hows bout we goes orf for a kiss and a cuddle.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
 
A bald guy with a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. So he contacts an online costume hire company and asks if they could send him something appropriate to wear.
The package arrives in the mail containing a stuffed parrot and a bandana and sugest he go as a pirate. Really annoyed he sends it back and says he is trying to hide his shortcommings, not highlight them.
The next package arrives containing a monks habit. With this he is really peesed off and sends it back saying he was trying to disquise his bald head not highlight it. He said if they didn't sent something suitable he wanted a refund and would name and shame them.
The final package came, it contained a tin of golden syrup and a note.
The note said, paint the golden syrup on your head and let it dry. Then take your wooden leg and stick it up your bottom and go as a toffee apple.
 
A Mexican just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going sky high.
 
Australian Banks Less Vulnerable to Global Shocks

Australian Banks Less Vulnerable to Global Shocks

Are you sure? They've already lost their capital. Capital "B" that is.

 
The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!!

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

And....

A billion dollars ago, was only 7 days, 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Labor spends
 
I just googled "Australian Political Joke" and I got this as the answer:-



I looked up the dictionary for the word "imbecile" and I got this:-

 
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very
excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a
talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made
$30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious
success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to
everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a
box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you
selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set
up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

Then I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh1tty
for free, and then making you pay to get the sh1tty taste out of your
mouth."
 
In another part of the world you would be rotting in jail for that post #957 defamation, spotter.

Anyway this is an e-mail number going around ......



John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin and the Queen hear this they goes ballistic and ask the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
 
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