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Dealing with a death in the family - specifically your child

29 June 2007
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You will find you do thing's that you never thought you were capable of doing, feeling, emotions, thought wants you never knew existed in your life.
You have entered new world that has a high entrance fee.
You will feel like a zombie in some one else's world like trying to shout in a vacuum and no one can hear you.

amazing, you are spot on...
how did you come to that world ??

and I feel empathy for all those people, all those lives lost, destroyed, we hear about every single day, on the evening news
its as if we live in a different world, or universe....
a world, where only our children die, and our life is changed forever...
29 June 2007
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My experience of my 'dying marriage' was like a long ,slow, drawn out, death sentence...
There was time to adjust, time to fight it, time to say sorry, and time to avoid it...then when it appeared inevitable, there was time to seek answers, take another road, time to search for an alternative.

on a scale of one to ten at the time, it was up there, at a high level

However in retrospect, in hindsight, after the death of my child....
the death of a child is a no. 10 on the scale of 1:10
and the marriage breakdown, in comparison is now a 5:10

The difference maybe, is my child was a part of me, she had my genes, my DNA, she was like my right arm...

there is a different level of love, in the parent child relationship
it is a different love, to the partner cum marriage relationship

That is the only way I can explain it, at this time
I had more than enough experience with the deaths of significant people in my life, before my divorce. I lost my mother before I was 18, my father at 25, plus other family members in between.
Then I lost a very significant person just 4 years ago, my dear brother, we were so close. He was only 62, he had been very ill for over 10 years, but I actually believed, as sick as he was, that I could have saved him from death, and he could have lived a meaningful and happy life, without too much pain. I tried my hardest to get him the best care, to save his life. But that result, was out of my control. I truly believe he acquired the worst hospital born superbug, almost from the moment he entered the hospital, the very hospital that was supposed to save his life.

The death of my daughter, my first born child, has been the most traumatic of all.

I had no warning, there were no signs, no alerts, there was nothing I could do to save her.
A single vehicle accident, and she was dead within seconds.

Maybe it is my personal problem, with who I am, my perceived role in life, that now has to change.

Up until now, I have always been the 'fixer', the saviour. I have prided myself
on the fact that I can fix and save my family, from whatever they need, fixing and saving from. I took on the role of the family protector.

I can usually fix most problems for my family. That is if, I have some warning,or indication, that there is a problem, that needs fixing.

We cannot wrap our loved ones in cotton wool to protect them.
We can only love them, and then care for them.
And then pray to god, we are not the ones left there, to bury them.
That is the hardest task any parent should have to endure.