Why Tom and Nic really split
By Lenny Ann Low
March 29, 2006
This week the celebrity magazines dangle a carrot so golden, so mouth-wateringly mesmeric it's all that we can do to open the glossy pages.
It all starts with the cover of Woman's Day and the headline "FBI Tapes Reveal Why Tom and Nicole Split". Inside, below a blurry photo of said ex-couple looking fed up and daggily coiffured, is news of a tape "that reveals why Nic and Tom split". Scandalous details are surely to follow.
It seems an American private investigator, Anthony Pellicano, has taped Kidman and Cruise having "very private and very intimate" phone conversations, possibly discussing "the reasons for their divorce". Rousing stuff.
Then, while we're still waiting to hear what made the pair split, WD delivers one almighty waffle about Kidman being "terrified", "distraught", "upset", "panicking", "distressed", "bracing herself", "reliving her nightmare" and "concerned" about the tapes. Must be really bad.
Mere sentences later, WD kicks us in our desperate guts with reports the tapes are so embarrassing, Kidman and Cruise "could retreat out of the Hollywood spotlight completely".
While that may be blessed news for many, do we ever learn of the tapes' contents in this huff 'n' puff piece of journalism? No, we do not.
Undeterred, Star Enquirer reports that Scientology members are entering Cruise's LA home "carrying lecture boards". Each bears instructions for Katie Holmes to "remain silent during birth" and "make all movements slow and understandable". If Holmes had any sense, her development of various explicitly understandable "movements" would have been useful long ago.
The "increasingly tearful" Holmes, who is said to be "buckling under pressure" to be a "perfect Scientologist mum", entered hospital briefly last month after suffering a "shocking" collapse on a flight from Australia, according to NW.
In other inane news, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have moved on from naming offspring after grocery produce and found inspiration in fictional flying midgets. Paltrow has reportedly settled on "Tink", as in Tinkerbell from Peter Pan, for the name of their second baby.
In Famous Jessica Simpson reveals both her frightening intellect and scary admiration for Angelina Jolie. "Just sitting in front of her I felt this incredible peace. I just couldn't help but stare." While you were sitting in front of her, Jessica?
Actor Ryan Phillippe has said he is worried his Oscar-winning wife, Reese Witherspoon, is going to "Chad Lowe me" because behind her girl-next-door image she's a "domineering" ambitious cow.
And, in a stunning insight into celebrity initiative, Frenchwoman Marie Cavallier has told a Danish newspaper she is in love with Prince Frederik's brother, Prince Joachim, without actually telling him first. "I haven't told him because I think this is very private and something I want to tell him myself." In trash-mag land that's called getting your priorities right.