CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing

BROKER -- What my broker has made me

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use