Political jokes and quotes are in season - Aussie Stock Forums

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  1. #1

    Default Political jokes and quotes are in season

    Why don't we share in the mass of jokes being pushed out into the ether as we speak...

    I'll start with this one...

    If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke

    And some older ones ...

    In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)

    Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)

    No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)

    Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain

  2. #2

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    PS Most of the jokes out there are republican vs democrat, but then why restrict ourselves to USA when AUS is full of promising humour as well..

    'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'

  3. #3

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

    The only question asked was: 'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'

    The survey was a huge failure because...

    In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
    In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
    In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
    In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
    In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
    In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
    In the US they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    Top 7 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified

    1. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
    2. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".
    3. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
    4. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
    5. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?"
    6. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
    7. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    on Joe Lieberman , the turncoat Democrat who spoke at the republican convention ...

    "Today, Al Gore called Joe Lieberman on the phone and the call lasted just five minutes. No one was angry, they just both fell asleep." —Craig Kilborn

    On Obama's speech in Berlin ...
    "Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson
    On Jesse Jackson's castration comment..
    "Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately he doesn't like him. You know, it's kind of like Bill with Hillary." --Jay Leno
    "Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their lovechild." --Jay Leno
    Last edited by 2020hindsight; 6th-September-2008 at 10:14 PM.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    Records, meant to be broken:

    His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.

    When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time."

    When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

  7. #7

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    A man walked into a bar, leading a crocodile on a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve pollys here?"

    "Sure do," said the bartender.

    "Good," replied the man. "Give me a VB, and the croc will have the polly."
    Q: How many pollies does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

    Q: Why do they bury pollies twelve feet deep?
    A: Because deep down, they are really good blokes.
    a few sites ...

    http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=e...al+jokes&meta= political

    http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=e...G=Search&meta= republican

    http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=e...democrat&meta= democrat

    http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=e...kes+tory&meta= tory

    http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=e...ve+jokes&meta= conservative

    http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=e...or+jokes&meta= labor

    http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=e...al+jokes&meta= liberal

    http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=e...en+jokes&meta= green

  8. #8

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

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  9. #9

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Thumbs up Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season


    The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason.

    They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra.
    A search for a Virgin continues.

    There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.

  10. #10

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    A stockman from Nth. Qld. attends a social function where PM Julia Gillard is giving a speech.
    While speaking, the PM kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head.

    The stockman says, "Yer havin' some problems with them circle flies?"
    Julia stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
    "Well ma'am", the stockman replies. "Circle flies hang around these parts a lot. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse".
    "Oh," Julia replies and resumes her speech.
    But a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horses ****"?

    "No ma'am," the stockman replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their PM a horses ****".

    "Thank you for that respectful explanation," Julia responds and resumes her speech once again.

    And then the stockman slowly continues,

  11. #11

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    Last Tuesday Australian Foreign Minister Rudd got out of a Commonwealth car in front of Parliament House.
    He was carrying a piglet under each arm.
    The Federal Police guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:"Nice pigs sir".
    Rudd replied:
    "These are not just pigs. These are authentic Australian wild bush pigs.
    I got one for Wayne Swan, and one for the PM Gillard".

    The Federal Police officer again snapped to attention, salutes and replied,
    "Excellent trade sir".

  12. #12
    Money can't buy Poverty Glen48's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    In USA they are printing larger fridge magnet to put on the bottom of your car so you have to read while the police search you and your car.

  13. #13

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
    He inquired ,"Where have you been?"
    God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
    "Look, Michael. Look what I have made."
    Michael looked puzzled and said,"What is it?"
    "It's a planet and I have put life on it. I am going to call it earth, and it's going to be a place to test balance.
    "Balance ? inquired Michael, "I am still confused".
    God explained. For example northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over here there is a continent of black people.
    "Balance is all things."
    God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be extremely cold and covered with ice."
    The Archangel, impressed by God's work, pointed to a land mass and said. "What's that one."
    "That's Adelaide, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Adelaide are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they will travel the world."
    They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things."
    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
    God smiles."I will create Canberra.
    Wait till you see the idiots I put there."!


  14. #14

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    One sunny day in December, 2013, an old man approached the Lodge from Parliament house where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

    He spoke to the guard standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Gillard".
    The Guard looked at the man and said, "Sir, Julia Gillard is no longer Prime Minister, and no longer resides here."

    The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
    The following day the same man approached the Lodge,
    And said to the same guard, "I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Gillard."

    The guard again told the man, 'Sir as I said yesterday, Julia Gillard is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

    The man thanked him and again walked away.
    The third day the same old man approached the Guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Gillard."

    The guard, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been asking to speak to Julia Gillard. I have told you already that Julia no longer the Prime Minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man looked at the Guard and said,

    "Oh, I do understand. I just love hearing it."

    The guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

    "See you tomorrow, Sir."


  15. #15

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad...

    The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear
    occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

    The first mate went straight to the sailors
    berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

    He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones,
    McCarthy, you change with Witkowski,
    and Brown, you change with Schultz."

    Someone may come along and promise
    but don't count on things smelling any better.

    Could a close friend of Julia Gillard please forward this on please?

  16. #16

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: I sold girl scout cookies and made $30, she said proudly," My sales
    approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary" said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s**t!" Then I would say, "It is dog s**t. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"
    I used the Gillard approach of giving you something s**tty for free , and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

  17. #17

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season


    A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
    Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny kittens.
    Suddenly a line of big white cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning woman.
    "Hi there little girl, I'm Prime Minister Gillard. What do you have in the basket?" she asked.
    "Kittens," said little Suzy.
    "How old are they?" asked Julia.
    Suzy replied, "There so young, their eyes are not open yet."
    "And what kind of kittens are they?"
    "Labor supporters," said Suzy.
    Julia Gillard was delighted. As soon as she returned to her car, she called her PR chief and told him about the little girl with the kittens.
    Recognizing the perfect photo op, it was agreed the PM would return the next day and in front of the assembled media have the girl to talk about her kittens.
    So next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her kittens, a motorcade pulled up, with all the local media.

    Julia walks over to Suzy and said "Hello again, I love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you are giving away,"
    "Yes mam., they are Liberal supporters".

    Take by surprise, the PM stammered, "But .. But ... yesterday you told me they were Labor."

    Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know, but today they have their eyes open."


  18. #18

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    Woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him.
    "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
    The man consulted his GPS and replied,"you're in a hot air balloon, approximately 2,346feet above sea level, you are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees 48.09 west longitude.

    She rolled her eyes and said, "you must be a liberal voter".

    "I am", replied the man,"how did you know".
    "Well", she answered, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea
    what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

    The man smile and responded, "you must be a Gillard Laborite."

    "I am", replied the woman. "How did you know'?

    "Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are - or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a Promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position, you were in before we met, but somehow. Now it's my fault."

  19. #19

    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Miallo Nth. Qld.

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

    On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

    The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

    He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labor ******** who knows bugger all about running the country.'

    'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

    He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'

    'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.


  20. #20

    Default Re: Political jokes and quotes are in season

    A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

    The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

    The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

    The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

    The man answered "oh, about 164."

    The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-steller space travel, the latest medical break throughs, etc.

    The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

    Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

    This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

    The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ??"

    This time the man drawled out "Uh, 'bout 50."

    The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

    "y-o-u-l-l b-e v-o-t-i-n-g f-o-r A-b-o-t-t t-h-e-n ?
    May Peace Be With You


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