ASF joke thread [Archive] - Aussie Stock Forums

Fleeta

19th-April-2005, 10:35 PM

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down
by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her:

"Before you get settled in," he said, "we have a little problem...you see,
we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and
we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh I see" said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "but I have higher orders. We're
instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven and then
you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the
downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in hell she stepped out
onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club,
around her were many past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy and
cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country
club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling
jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave, everyone shook
her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator
went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day's end St. Peter returned.

"So," he said, "you've spent a day in hell, and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied: "Well, heaven is certainly
lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell."

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back
down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a hot desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is here is just a
dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

DTM

19th-April-2005, 11:28 PM

Ha ha ha ha ha LOL.... I know that one too well!!!! :D

RichKid

19th-April-2005, 11:44 PM

Some great stuff there folks, keep it up! The HR joke reminds me of some of the big professional firms that roll out the red carpet to entice young grads desperate for a job during the summer apprenticeship periods- once they're on the fulltime payroll it all changes.

posted by Fleeta
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
To get back to his computer to keep ramping ZFX and BPC...

Fleeta's reminded me of an old email that did the rounds some time ago, here it is, all chicken jokes for your pleasure:

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN What chicken?

KEN STARR I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

Investor

25th-April-2005, 03:34 PM

In the book "The Essays of Warren Buffett", on page 190;

"Ben Graham told a story 40 years ago that illustrates why investment professionals behave as they do: An oil prospector, moving to his heavenly reward, was met by St Peter with bad news. "You're qualified for residence", said St Peter, "but, as you can see, the compound reserved for oil men is packed. There's no way to squeeze you in."

After thinking a moment, the prospector asked if he might say just four words to the present occupants. That seemed harmless to St Peter, so the prospector cupped his hands and yelled:

"OIL DISCOVERED IN HELL."

Immediately, the gate to the compound opened and all of the oil men marched out to head for the nether regions. Impressed, St Peter invited the prospector to move in and make himself comfortable. The prospector paused.

"No," he said, "I think I'll go along with the rest of the boys. There might be some truth to that rumour after all." :)

Investor

26th-April-2005, 09:29 PM

Wall Street has a saying:

"Do not mistake a bull market for brains". :)

Investor

27th-April-2005, 12:37 PM

To buy or to sell, that is the question?

I used to be indecisive. Now, I am just not sure. :D

tech/a

27th-April-2005, 01:05 PM

"A fool and his money are easily parted"

Yeh fine what I want to know is-------

"Whats a fool doing with money in the first place??"

"Where there is a will there is a benificiary!!"

GreatPig

28th-April-2005, 12:59 PM

I used to be indecisive. Now, I am just not sure.
Ah yes... there's a pile of them.

I used to be apathetic, but now I can't be bothered.

I used to be a quitter, but it all just became too hard.

I used to be inattentive, but... um... what were we talking about again?

I used to be submissive, but now I'm allowed not to be if I ask nicely.

I used to suffer from Alzheimers, but I forget what became of that now.

And the all-time classic: I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nooooowwwwww! (you really have to hear this one told :D)

Cheers,
GP

sam76

25th-June-2005, 07:36 AM

A nice clean one to reignite this thread! :D

Q: What's E.T. short for?

A: Simply because he's got little legs!

Battman64

25th-June-2005, 11:42 AM

Q. Why are there so many Smiths in the telephone directory?

A. Its 'cause they all have telephones. :)

(The silly ones are the best)

tech/a

25th-June-2005, 12:45 PM

Ever wondered what gets said between the Control Tower and the Cockpit. Apologies for the Basil Fawlty humour.
Read on!

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C' and D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 1247"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

END

malh786

27th-June-2005, 09:58 PM

The Top 10 ways you know your a hopeless procrastinator:

1.

RichKid

28th-June-2005, 01:18 PM

This is turning out to be one of my favourite threads on ASF, must be my sense of humour!! Those last few posts were tops, I liked the Frankfurt jokes tech/a!

Not sure if this link to a short movie counts as a joke, but if you are not laughing at the end of it you must work for Monsanto!!

http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html

http://www.themeatrix.com (a bit shorter and more serious)

Remember to turn up the volume!! A broadband connection is best.

Battman64

29th-June-2005, 07:51 PM

"I checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely
so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when your calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It
was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her, well
you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll
give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag
of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
press 9

sam76

29th-June-2005, 08:03 PM

one for the lads out there....

23things that make you feel like much more of a man.....

1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER TACKLE - Another free kick for Scott West? A Barry Hall tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving and lifting as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish.

Noisy destruction = MAN.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go," and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt??" "Nahhhh."

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When sheilas have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grrrrr, what does it look like?"

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past," it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - especially ones slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! "How about that Stewy? I kick so hard I set off car alarms."

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork crackling.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, Mitre 10 would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT $600 FROM AN ATM- okay, so it's for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike sheilas, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Kings Head it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Oh nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, girl?"

tech/a

29th-June-2005, 08:37 PM

Bloody beeudifull mate!!

Dont forget putting out your fag with a pinch from fore finger to thumb.
Going to the footy by yourself.
Backing the trailer in one go.
Going to Bunnings --- because you can.
Hogging the remote.
Getting home very late from a boyz night out.Better still not getting home.
Having a Shane Warne pinup in your bedroom---what a guy!
You only order pints.---of anything!
You use words no one can understand--even you!

RichKid

29th-June-2005, 09:10 PM

one for the lads out there....

Have to hand it to you for that one Sam! bout time you got yourself a blokey avatar- maybe a pic of a pint or ute will do? While we're on the topic, it's a shame they don't make the beer ads the way they used to.

bvbfan

30th-June-2005, 01:08 AM

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

I do believe the F1's have a reverse gear, its not used much and can't be in the pit lane or track
But I stand to be corrected

Hanrahan

30th-June-2005, 02:17 AM

There are 10 types of people:

Those who understand binary, and those who don't!

tech/a

1st-July-2005, 09:46 AM

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their years of marriage, Simone had never looked.

However, recently, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box,
she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Simone
could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.
For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under
our bed. However, today the temptation was to o much and I gave in.
But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your
behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen
and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."!!!!

sam76

1st-July-2005, 10:44 AM

Q: How do so many traders make a small fortune on the market?

A: Start with a large one!

dutchie

3rd-July-2005, 11:22 AM

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

and one of my favourites:

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

RichKid

13th-July-2005, 10:24 PM

Thought I'd share a blonde joke, more are sure to follow, let's just keep em clean. Enjoy!

Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"

excalibur

14th-July-2005, 06:23 AM

Here is naughty one:

A man went to a tattoo shop and said to the dealer:
I`ll give you 1000 Dollars if you tattoo a 100 Dollar bill on my penus...
The dealer: Why in heavens name would you want something like that?
The man: Well for 3 reasons...
First; I love playing with my money.
Second; I love to see it grow.
Third; While I know that my wife blows out a hundred bucks every day, I thought she could try it out on me... :bananasmi

Hanrahan

14th-July-2005, 09:29 AM

We have an aptly named company in town: Down To Earth Demolitions.

haunting

14th-July-2005, 01:34 PM

Numa Numa by Gary Brolsma
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php

Flash videos - requires broadband. There are quite a few funny ones if you want more: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com

wayneL

27th-August-2005, 03:13 AM

ROFL

phoenixrising

27th-August-2005, 02:45 PM

Once upon a time a great sporting team took all before it.
In recent times the media wrote that no one would ever get near them.
And then they travelled to a foreign land far away to defend their most treasured prize and............................................... ......................

Joe Blow

31st-August-2005, 10:25 PM

This one made me giggle... :D

DTM

6th-September-2005, 09:07 PM

And now from the news in Iraq.

http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic952.htm

Enjoy :D

canny

6th-September-2005, 09:26 PM

Subject: TRUE TRUE

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY... If you read this without laughing
out loud, there is something wrong with you . This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
team 25yrs ago,

I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called
the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of
coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. Belinda's voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root
canal or a vasectomy.

krisbarry

7th-September-2005, 04:22 AM

BLONDE JOKE

A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to First Class and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she
will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and
I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and
she will have to return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and
I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this
blonde girl that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He walks back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm
sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney"

krisbarry

7th-September-2005, 04:27 AM

And on a different note...

Princess

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and
drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be just super".

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, b****."

keebab

19th-September-2005, 06:36 PM

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage
here in our country.

There's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in the
Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A.

Our dipsticks are located in Canberra :banghead:

Bronte

24th-September-2005, 07:20 PM

We have just lost the flag (WCE) and now this.....

BILLY was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy. "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."
:)

canny

25th-September-2005, 03:59 PM

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Cream Donuts. Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes," and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles."

They gained 10 pounds. Satan smiled.

Then God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair.

Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them and Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-IslandDressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fries and steak so big it needed its own platter.

Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good." Satan created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. Instead, Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. Man gained more pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. Satan created McDonald's and its $1.50 double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied"Yes! And super size them!" Satan said "it is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the Queensland Health System.

Thought for the day ..........

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a larger elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutelyno recollection of what to do with them............

Julia

25th-September-2005, 09:56 PM

brerwallabi

26th-September-2005, 07:00 PM

Considerate or what?

It is important for men to remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain
the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some
are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron......Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Kerrie. When I took "early
retirement" last year, it became necessary for Kerrie
to get a full-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the
same time she gets home from work. Although she
knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake
me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally
have lunch in the Men's Grill at the RSL club so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home cooked grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the
table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her
several times each evening that they won't clean
themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem
to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for
her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way
she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now
and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she
may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way
I support Kerrie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration
is easy. Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because
of this article,
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each
other...
Signed,
Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday July 26.
He was found with an extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Screw Driver II rammed up his backside, with only 2
inches of grip showing...
His wife Kerrie was arrested, but the all-woman Jury
accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down
on it very suddenly.

chansw

26th-September-2005, 10:56 PM

This is a joke that I heard from my colleague.

It was about the boss of W$cro5oft, Bill $ates. The story is started when Bill $ates died, he went to the heaven. He was living in a very very very small house. Guess what, he was not happy. One day, he saw another guy in the heaven living in a big castle. He went to see God and asked "Why that guy can live in a big castle and I only live in such a small place?". God said to him "Go to ask that man what he did before".

Bill $ates went to that castle and ask that man "Could you tell me what you did before, sir?". That guy said "I was the captain of 'Titanic'". Bill $ates went to see God again and said "He is only the captain of 'Titanic'. I was the boss of a company which made the world's most popular software". Then, God said to Bill $ates "At least, 'Titanic' only crashed once" :D

brerwallabi

30th-September-2005, 11:58 PM

Seeing its Grand Final Time in the real game, thought I would recall this gem.

"A True Aussie Bloke"
A man had great tickets for the Grand Final.(NRL of course)
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is
sitting in the seat next to him.
No", he says. "The seat is empty".
“That is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind
Would have a seat like this for the Grand Final - the biggest
sporting event, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the
first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got
married."
“Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't
you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a
neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

RichKid

18th-November-2005, 05:47 PM

Brer, that's a top joke, your last one!! Hard to beat.

Heard this about the Wallabies coach Eddie Jones recently after his recent misadventures:

------
Q: What's the difference between Eddie Jones and an arsonist?

A: An arsonist wouldn't lose his last seven matches.
------

btw, that was 'six matches' when I first heard it, let's hope it doesn't get much worse!

dutchie

18th-November-2005, 06:56 PM

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

sam76

18th-November-2005, 06:58 PM

apologies before the gag here.

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies "sorry, we don't serve food in here"

boom boom!

GreatPig

9th-December-2005, 12:51 PM

I don't know how this will read, but it was funny when I heard it said :)

A man is at a party and meets a pair of Siamese twins, joined at the hip. The two young women are absolutely gorgeous, and after spending some time talking to them, takes them back to his flat for the night.

He spends a long time making passionate love to the first twin, while the second recites erotic poetry accompanying herself on his old ukulele. Later he rolls over and starts making love to the second twin. The first twin sees his trombone beside the bed and starts playing Dixieland jazz on it while the man is occupied with the other twin.

Eventually the night comes to an end and the twins leave.

A year later, the same Siamese twins are walking down a street and recognise it as the street where the man had his flat. The first twin says to the second:

"Hey, there's Jack's place. Do you think we should go in and say hello?"

The second twin replies:

"Oh... I don't know, it could be a bit awkward. Do you think he'll remember us?"

RichKid

31st-January-2006, 12:22 PM

Heard about this recently, it was traced out by finger on a dusty beam at a construction site, no doubt by one of the workmen:

"I wish my girl was this dirty"

apologies to anyone who's offended, a clever little line.

wayneL

9th-February-2006, 08:00 PM

Things I have notice while watching movies........

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

wayneL

9th-February-2006, 08:01 PM

The following is an update on international military readiness and posturing again terroristic threats:

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in World War II when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capacity.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly' and Excitedlyto 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

The German also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is the headquarters of NATO pulling out of Brussels.

wayneL

9th-February-2006, 08:20 PM

:headshake

How do these people survive?

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the checkout boy had scanned all of my items, he picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so he could scan it. Not finding the bar code he said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to him "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." He said "OK," and I paid him for the things and left. He had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a man in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency

Life is tough.
It's tougher if you're stupid!"

Nick Radge

9th-February-2006, 08:47 PM

Quiet day mate?

sam76

9th-February-2006, 08:58 PM

Warning - please don't read on if you are easily offended. :)

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his e*&^8n.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

32. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

33. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

34. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

35. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

36. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

37. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

38. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

39. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

40. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

41. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

42. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Fat Chicks.

43. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

44. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

45. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

46. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

47. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

48. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

49. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

50. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

51. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

52. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

53. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the &%$& out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

54. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the *^&%^ out of little kids.

55. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

56. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

57. edited

58. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

59. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

60. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

61. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

dutchie

9th-February-2006, 09:34 PM

I got a chuckl(le) out of that, especially No. 30 & 44.

wayneL

9th-February-2006, 09:55 PM

Quiet day mate?

Are they THAT bad? :p:

wayneL

9th-February-2006, 10:46 PM

Anyone who grew up or has lived in LA etc would appreciate this one:

Math 1950-2005

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. &n Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2005

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.

sam76

10th-March-2006, 01:27 PM

ONE LINERS !
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it
was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have
a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when Your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible
crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Kind regards,

Julia

10th-March-2006, 02:19 PM

Sam

Thanks a lot - that was really funny, especially the Universal Truths and the Great Questions which truly are just that. It's good to laugh at some of the silliness that's a part of most of us.

Julia

brerwallabi

10th-March-2006, 04:11 PM

Something for a Friday afternoon. THE CHILI CONTEST
If you can read this story without tears rolling down your cheeks then there is no hope for you!
Please read this slowly if you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have visited Texas you may have come across Chili cook-offs, when the Rodeo comes to town the cook off takes up a major portion of the Astrodome carpark. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank who was visiting Texas from Australia.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge in a chili cook-off. A judge had called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer tent when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili would not be all that spicy and , besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”
Here are the scorecards from the chilli cook-off event.

Chili 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild
Judge 3 – (Frank) Holy chit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge 1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2 – Exciting barbeque flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3 –(Frank) Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
Judge 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2 – A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 – (Frank) Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I am getting pissed from all the beer.

Chili 4 Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge 1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2—Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge 3 (Frank) I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? The barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills, the 300lb bitch was starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili n aphrodisiac?

Chili 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge 1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayonne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- (Frank) My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her chili gave me brain damage. The barmaid saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. I wonder if I am burning my lips off. It really psses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge 1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2—The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge 3—(Frank) I chit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclines to stand behind me only that kinky barmaid. Can’t feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my **** with a snowcone.

Chili 7 Susan’s screaming Sensation Chili
Judge 1— A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I would not feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, thye will know what killed me. I‘ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful.Screw it I am not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili 8 Tommy’s Toe Nail Curling Chili
Judge 1 –The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 –This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

RichKid

18th-April-2006, 10:26 AM

Try this for some great photos and captions, for those into heavy rigs and mining toys: http://www.minebox.com/pic.asp

Strw23

18th-April-2006, 11:00 AM

A Bear and a Rabbit were both having a **** in the forest. The Bear turned to the Rabbit

"Do you have problems with **** sticking to you fur?"

"No" said the Rabbit

So the Bear wiped his **** with the Rabbit

twojacks28

21st-April-2006, 04:20 PM

loved it sam!!!!! lol nice and simple however effective

professor_frink

1st-May-2006, 09:39 AM

Q:what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob

Q: what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Russell

Q:What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bbq?
A:Patty

Q:What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
A: Dusty

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
A:Skip

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
A:Matt

Q:What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
A:Jack

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
A: Doug

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
A: Douglas

Q:What do you call a cat with no legs?
A: Dogfood

Q:What do you call a dog with no legs?
A:It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
A:Bud

RichKid

1st-May-2006, 01:17 PM

Nice on frinko,

Pilot Joke

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is only 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles, looking for a landmark. After an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window, "Hi, where am I?"

The solitary office worker replies, "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and makes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers are relieved, and ask the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore, that must have been the Microsoft Excel support office. I know that, from there, the airport is three minutes away on a heading of 87 degrees." http://j-walk.com/ss/jokes/pilot.htm

Now isn't that the truth?? Reminds me of Comsec support (although the tech dvlpt team are a bit better).

RichKid

1st-May-2006, 01:26 PM

Warning - please don't read on if you are easily offended. :)

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS
..........

Sam (aka "banned"),
that has got to be one of the funniest things I've read, I didn't know ol' Chuck was the subject of such wrath, did they mention the size of his belt buckle in there? Loved the one liners too, bet you keep your mates in stitches for hours, just this thread alone makes ASF worthwhile imo....You're giving Fleeta and baglimit a run for their money as 'resident comedian' on ASF!!

RichKid

1st-May-2006, 01:37 PM

.............
5. &n Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
......

Yes, very typical to try and teach science via politics (or vice versa?), you end up not learning anything properly- a public policy? Maybe we should have a similar joke for the evolution of English too...

GreatPig

1st-May-2006, 01:49 PM

Q:what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...
...hanging on a wall?
A: Art

And in a slightly different vein:

Q: What do you call a man with ten rabbits up his bum?
A: Warren

GP

RichKid

1st-May-2006, 01:53 PM

----
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?--------

emmm, generally it's: Cujus Est Solum Ejus Est Usque Ad Coelum Et Ad Inferos
"To whomsoever the soil belongs, he owns also to the sky and to the depths", but there are many exceptions nowadays (mineral rights, air space, space). I'll leave it to Wayne to explain the exact latin....;) Sorry to make this a serious post!!

professor_frink

1st-May-2006, 03:59 PM

And one more for GP!

Q: What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
A: Kurt n' Rod

And finally, my sister's fav(and possibly the worst joke of all time!)
Q: what's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: a carrot.
So bad it's good :D

yogi-in-oz

2nd-May-2006, 11:24 AM

:)

..... stolen from another trading forum ..... :)

-----

Young Kenny, a hillbilly who moved to Texas, bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But the next day he
drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,
the donkey died.'

Kenny replied, 'Well, then, just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Kenny said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Kenny said , 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Kenny said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anybody he is dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Kenny said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, Didn't anyone complain?'

Kenny said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

-----

happy days

yogi

:)

keebab

17th-May-2006, 05:34 PM

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives the woman a quick glance and then casually takes a look at his watch.
The woman notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies. "Q's just given me a state-of-the-art watch and I was
testing it out."

Intrigued, the woman asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond coolly explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk telepathically."
The lady says, "So what's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers…" says Bond.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing
knickers!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

x2rider

17th-May-2006, 07:37 PM

Here's one for yah

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.

Chers martin

x2rider

17th-May-2006, 08:06 PM

Just one more please

We always hear “the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up; you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Nomadic tribes did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping
Cheers martin

dutchie

17th-May-2006, 08:11 PM

Classic stuff

sam76

17th-May-2006, 08:12 PM

sam76

17th-May-2006, 08:17 PM

along the same lines... :D

If the World was fair to Guys...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the **** and a 'cheers
for the sex' would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only
occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. The only show opposite 'Friday Night Football' would be 'Friday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.'

6. Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'

7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-**** answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. Example - Cop: 'Do you know how
fast you were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all
over the place.' Cop: 'Nice one, that's $20 off.'

10. Stubbies shorts would never go out of style again.

11. Every man would get four, real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards per
year.

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball
goes out of play.

14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to 'I love you.'

15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.

16. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse
for absence and/or poor time keeping.

17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public
ugliness ordinance.

18. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.

19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

20. 'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and it
would work every time.

21. Everyone would drive at least 110kph and anyone driving under that
would be fined.

22. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in
strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

23. Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister' to your
wife/girlfriend would get the response, 'What a great idea!'

24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

25. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would
be settled by a fight to the death.

26. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to
the opposite sex.

27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two
Swedish milk maids.

28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get
to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone

29. "Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman's question of "Does
my bum look big in this?"

x2rider

17th-May-2006, 08:18 PM

I hate to say it , but I am single at the moment and I don't know why :horse:
Cheers martin

Julia

17th-May-2006, 11:28 PM

Well, guys, as a woman I could pretend outrage and rant feminist stuff all over the page.

Instead, I'll say a big thanks for a good laugh and the grudging acknowledgment that you've all just done a pretty accurate job of describing our many foibles.

Ah, but would yah hate to be without us then?

Cheers
Julia

RichKid

18th-May-2006, 01:58 PM

I hate to say it , but I am single at the moment and I don't know why :horse:
Cheers martin
Cheer up mate, help is at hand, ASF is a one stop shop providing all your trading and relationship solutions, under Joe's inspired leadership we have created a proprietary advice service with priceless tips dished out freely by our resident experts, you'll be Bachelor of the Year in no time... (NB as this is a free service we cannot make any guarantees) http://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2031

x2rider

18th-May-2006, 05:30 PM

Thanks for the help Richkid :)

O and by the way applications are now being taken and all offers considered for the position of live-in Girlfriend . All stock portfolios are to be presented at time of application and will be all considered for there diversification and weigthing

But here is something that might balance the tables a bit. Could be worth a small position, WO , Womanium

TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS

Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/ - 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neuralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
Cheers Martin :)

StockyBailx

21st-May-2006, 03:54 PM

I see there really is a Joke thread?

Why are laywers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has got one then the otherside must have one. Once launched they can't be recalled. When they land they screw up everything forever.

:jump::jump: Stocky.....:cool:

emma

6th-June-2006, 07:36 AM

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision
to get married.... They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and
on the way they pass a Chemist.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for
Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask, is there
something I can help you with?"

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as
our Bridal Gift Registry."

Julia

9th-June-2006, 10:33 AM

Buzzing knickers make shopper faint!

A woman collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure.
The kinky 33 year old housewife was wearing a pair of battery operated Passion Pants bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid, The Sun.
But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness. She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales. Her black imitation leather knickers were still buzzing when paramedics arrived.
They took them off her before an ambulance transported her to hospital. The woman, whose identity has been kept private, sufferd no long lasting ill effects.
As she left hospital, her Passion Pants were given back to her in a plastic bag by a paramedic.
A spokesman for the supermarket chain told The Sun...."We like to think that shopping with us is exciting enough already"!

Apparently this actually happened.

Julia

Happy

9th-June-2006, 12:45 PM

If this is no ‘Bull’, this is best proof that size doesn’t matter.

emma

11th-June-2006, 07:55 AM

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, by stopping, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof—and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Plan B

11th-June-2006, 10:44 PM

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a
huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers,
"You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store To get me a
carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco And some rolling papers; cause it's
sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .........So does she.

--------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, The husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

--------------------------------------------------------------
WORDS -

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

--------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
" No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so
he'll be looking for me now.!!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake
him At 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where
he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--------------------------------------------------------

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.
"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money
from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found
an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple
of million pounds or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies,

*

*

*

"My second wish was for a tall bird with a big xxxx and long legs who agrees
with everything I say."

:)

professor_frink

12th-June-2006, 08:15 PM

Bedroom Golfing etiquette

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

pacer

28th-June-2006, 08:34 AM

How about this one
.....

Nuenco is a well managed company and Anthony Cain is a saint...........

noirua

20th-July-2006, 09:32 AM

I noticed the following sign at a local bar, " Do not drop cigarette ends on the floor, as they burn the hands and knees of customers as they leave."

nelly

20th-July-2006, 07:38 PM

A nurse was on duty in the emergency room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read "Keep off the grass"
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Three woman are having lunch discussing their husbands. The first says her husband is cheating on her because she found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and that they weren't hers.
The second says that her husband is cheating on her because she found a packet of condoms in his wallet, so she poked them full of holes with a sewing needle.
The third woman fainted.

Did you hear about the bloke who walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only cling film pants?
The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his Mum on top of his Dad bouncing up and down.
The Mum see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son see's his Mum and asks "What were you and Daddy doing?"
The Mum says "Well you know your Dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time." says the boy
"Why is that?" asks the Mum, puzzled
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there the husband tells the wife. "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resisit, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him staisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too........"

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten men and one woman. They decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving into men.
All the men started clapping...............

If you want a commited man......look in a mental institute.

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turns to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. Ispend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I watch T.V. I think about women. When I shower I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A recently divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband.
Having had more than a few drinks, he condescendingly asks, "So? How do you like second hand merchandise?"
The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first couple of inches is brand new!"

Cheers :D

nelly

20th-July-2006, 08:50 PM

To my Dear Wife..
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, at your age,with a 54 yr old body can no longer supply, I am happy with you and value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 yr old secretatry at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

My Dear Husband
I received your fax and thank you for being honest. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 yrs old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 yrs old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference, 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 into 18, therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow!!!
Love
Your Wife

Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message.....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside!"
"Hows that?"
"Don't you start!"

Cheers :bier:

dutchie

11th-August-2006, 12:06 PM

Friday joke of the day.

To help kick start your weekend.

Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Julia

18th-August-2006, 09:28 PM

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

Julia

Bronte

22nd-August-2006, 03:43 PM

What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?

Angus McCoatup

:D

GreatPig

22nd-August-2006, 07:56 PM

What do you call a Scotsman who bounces off walls?

Rick O'Shay

dutchie

26th-August-2006, 08:16 AM

Fridays joke on Saturday morning.

havagoodweekend!

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''

x2rider

26th-August-2006, 10:59 AM

Here's one to stir the pot

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

cheers Martin

x2rider

26th-August-2006, 11:02 AM

LOL

when a tourist coach passed through a small country town in Australia
one of the passengers
noticed a sheep tied to a lamppost on the corner in the main street.
"Oh that," said the guide, "that's the Recreation Centre"

Cheers Martin

rub92me

4th-September-2006, 01:25 PM

Old long joke, but still quite funny..

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

bunyip

7th-September-2006, 07:19 PM

Subject: Fw: "Air travel .... an executive proposal !"
Airline travel...
In an effort to bolster the American airline industry's decreasing
patronage and reduced corporate profits, the following strategy plan
has been proposed:
Replace all female flight attendants with some good-looking strippers!
What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They
don't even serve food anymore, so what's the big loss?
The strippers would cause double, triple, perhaps quadruple the
in-flight alcohol consumption and create a "party atmosphere" in the
cabin while airborne.
And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would
soon start to fly again, hoping to see wild and naked women parading
lively about the cabin.
Muslims, as a result, would become afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing naked women.
Hijackings and the threat of such would come to a
screeching halt, with the entire travel and airline industry
again seeing record revenues.
"Why the hell didn't President Bush think of this?"
Why do I still have to do everything myself?"

Respectfully submitted,
Bill Clinton

bunyip

7th-September-2006, 07:39 PM

Four men meet early each Sunday morning to play golf. One of them gets a job transfer to a new city. Next Sunday his three mates are going around the course and discussing who they can get to replace their mate.
A woman golfer overhears them and asks if she can join their group. They're a bit dubious about having a woman in their group but they agree to let her play with them next Sunday to see if they get along with her.
She says 'Great, I'll be here at 7AM next Sunday.
Next Sunday she plays with the men and they get along famously with her. Not only that, but they find she's an excellent player. She plays left handed and breaks the course record.
Naturally they invite to play with them again next Sunday morning.
Again she says 'Great, I'll see you at 7AM next Sunday.
Next Sunday she again proves to be great company, and she plays another sizzling round of golf. This time she plays right handed instead of left handed, and breaks the course record again.
So she becomes a regular in this group of three men. Sometimes she plays left handed, sometimes right handed, and always plays well.
One day one of the men asks her how she decides whether to play left handed or right handed.
"Well", she says, "it's like this. My husband always sleeps in the nude. Every Sunday morning just before I head for the golf course, I pull back the bed covers and look at his member. If it's pointing to the left I play left handed. If it's pointing to the right I play right handed".
One of the men asks her "How about if it's pointing straight up in the air"?
The woman smiles and says "In that case I'll be here at 7.30 instead of 7AM."

noirua

29th-September-2006, 12:46 AM

The jogger shock: http://video.aol.co.uk/video-funny/1716060

blueroo

29th-September-2006, 08:18 AM

Queenslander...

A Queenslander is drinking in a New South Wales Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "Isnt that normal in NSW?? That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?

The proud father answers: "17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says........

"Had him circumcised!"

Julia

29th-September-2006, 10:17 AM

Thanks, Blueroo, still laughing.

Julia

mswiggs

29th-September-2006, 11:11 AM

http://grouper.com/video/MediaDetails.aspx?id=497932&ml=o%3d7%26fk%3dgay%2bbar%26fx%3d&

nioka

29th-September-2006, 02:09 PM

Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dog fight. They would give each other 5 years to breed the worlds best fighting dog and who evers dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the worlds meanest dobermans and mated them to the meanest of wolves.When the day of the big fight arrived Uncle Sam showed up with the strangest looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up the Dachshund came out of it's cage and waddled towards Osama's dog who snarled, leaped out of it's cage and charged the american dog - but when it got close the dachshund opened it's mouth and swallowed Osama's dog whole.Osams said "WE don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years breeding the meanest dogs to the meanest wolves." Uncle Sam said "That's nothing,we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog".

macca

13th-October-2006, 06:30 PM

Earl was 95 and lived in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner
Earl would go to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder
his accomplishments through his long life. One evening Mildred, 87,
wandered into the garden.
They began to chat, and before they knew it, several hours had passed.
After a short lull in conversation, Earl turned to Mildred and asked,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
"What?"
Earl replied, "Having sex."
Mildred exclaimed, "Why you old fool, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"
"I know, but it would be nice just to have a woman hold it."
"Well, I can oblige you that," said Mildred as she gently unzipped his
trousers, removed his manhood, and sat there and held it.
They continued to secretly meet each h night ! in the garden, where
they would sit and talk, and Mildred would hold Earl's member in her
hand. Then one night Earl didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred looked for Earl to make sure he was OK. She walked
around the home, and finally found him sitting by the swimming pool
with another resident, Ethyl, who was holding Earl's manhood.
Furious, Mildred shouted, "You two-timing old creep... what does Ethel
have that I don't?!"
Earl smiled and replied, "Parkinson's.

2020hindsight

18th-October-2006, 12:16 PM

nioka

18th-October-2006, 01:33 PM

Two men in the post-op ward at a country hospital. One asked the other what he had done as he seemed to be in a lot of pain. His ward mate said "castration". "Gee", said the other, " no wonder you are in pain, I feel sore enough and I was only circumsized"

"Bloody hell" said the first " that was the word I meant to use."

2020hindsight

18th-October-2006, 08:02 PM

Then there was the one about the inmate of the asylum who escaped through a window in the laundry - on the way through, he had his way with a couple of the women who worked there. Next day the newspaper headlines read "NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"
Then there was the OTHER one about the dwarf clairvoyant who escaped from jail - Next day the newspaper headlines read
"SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE !!" (ok ok ok - its not that funny - BUT at least it's clean !!! ;))

2020hindsight

18th-October-2006, 08:06 PM

Lol, my friend relates this story :- A lady walks up to him- never seen her before - a complete stranger - and asks him "what's better than a rose on your piano?" .. "tulips on your organ" ...and just as quickly disappears. - Like two ships passing in the night lol.

bunyip

29th-October-2006, 10:03 AM

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts but never listening to them.

2020hindsight

5th-November-2006, 11:43 AM

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in,"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said,"Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? "The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind golfers. We always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. "The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
PS - Makes you think what it would be like to be blind doesnt it ;)

Bronte

6th-November-2006, 02:05 PM

Went to buy some camouflage trousers on the weekend.....
Couldn't find any :D

insider

6th-November-2006, 05:14 PM

Here is a kazhaki joke i'll translate it for you..."There was a chair and it had legs... and it was walking down the street"... :D The funny part was lost in translation

rusq

6th-November-2006, 07:29 PM

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and I tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say boss and I feel great. I be at work soon........., you got nice house."
:eek:

123enen

6th-November-2006, 07:53 PM

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, rum, vodka and cola. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

2020hindsight

8th-November-2006, 12:34 AM

Ok children, (said Miss Peach to her kindergarten class), I'd like you to say a word, and then ... I'd like you to make up a SENTENCE with that word - beaming smile...

"Miss Miss" said shirley ..."yes - shirley - what's your word ? more smiles!. "NICE, miss". And what's your sentence, shirley ? " I think you're NICE miss!!" - smile index just goes off the radar!!!

well, who's next? yes - wendy?" "BEAUTIFUL miss". "I think you're BEAUTIFUL miss" " well THank you wendy ;)"

anyone else ? - yes tommy?
"URINATE miss". - mild panic in Miss Peache's breast!! y-y-yes Tommmy , and what's your sentence then ??"

"my dad says that URINATE miss, but , if you had bigger ti*s, you'd be a 10 !!"

2020hindsight

8th-November-2006, 01:43 AM

George Bush visits Burke school whilst touring Western NSW..
"OK children" says the teacher - "aren't we lucky to have President Bush here with us today ;) well, are there any little questions you'd like to ASK President Bush?"

pregnant pause, Smithy's hand shoots up.

"Yes Smithy?"

"Mr Bush" says young Smithy, "I've got 3 questions! - 1. why did you invade iraq, 2. what happened to the weapons of mass detruction, and 3. why did youtreat the prisoners so bad ?" -

Dubya looks uneasy, but fortunately the bell rings for recess. "ok says the teacher - recess!"

Returning after 20 mins, the teacher again invites questions. "Yes Thommo?"

"Mr Bush" says young Thommo, "I've got 5 questions! - 1. why did you invade iraq, 2. what happened to the weapons of mass detruction, and 3. why did youtreat the prisoners so bad - ........4. why did the recess bell ring 5 minutes early, and 5. ........what's happened to Smithy??"

Oldie :) but those with dementia probably forgotten that they've heard it 18000 times.

2020hindsight

25th-November-2006, 08:09 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiK0djXFHeY =teddy kennedy tells his favourite irish joke

trading_rookie

28th-November-2006, 04:26 PM

Got this one emailed to me today, I like it! :-)

Harold, the Computer Guy

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error?
What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned...."Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."
So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold

x2rider

28th-November-2006, 07:26 PM

hi Folks

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
Cheers Martin

tybutler

29th-November-2006, 12:34 AM

Thanks rider [Martin]....that made me laugh. Nothing like a good laugh to fall asleep to....

hi Folks

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
Cheers Martin

tybutler

29th-November-2006, 12:39 AM

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: We better get some support up in here or people are going to think we're nuts...

2020hindsight

1st-December-2006, 09:48 PM

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage48_3.html :)
http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage57_3.html
http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage66_4.html - some ideas for xmas lights on the house
http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage6_5.html and YET MORE IDEAS lol - well it saves on the energy bill ;)

PS - just go there and click "random videos" above the picture - some good ones (and some lousy ones as well.)

2020hindsight

10th-December-2006, 08:27 PM

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ_8eL00oYI polish guys fighting (ladies please note, noone was actually hurt ok!!)

2. This Polish guy ordered a pizza with everything on it. When it came
out of the oven, the guy asked him if he'd like it cut into four or eight
pieces. "Make it four," said the Pole. "I'll never be able to eat eight."

Note - version for polish people ...
This Australian guy ordered a pizza with everything ... ;)

x2rider

14th-December-2006, 07:37 PM

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol string of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope — talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign - until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, lookedback at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

Cheers Martin

Sultan of Swing

14th-December-2006, 08:28 PM

A man in Brisbane calls his son in Adelaide two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Darwin and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Brisbane immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing ... DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Sultan of Swing

14th-December-2006, 09:04 PM

Here is one for all us Consultants out there.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.

"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know jack about my business.

" Now give me back my dog."

insider

14th-December-2006, 10:21 PM

The secret to being funnier is keeping a straight face... never laugh at your own jokes period... :cool:

noirua

17th-December-2006, 11:28 AM

I usually tell other peoples jokes, so, I'm allowed to laugh as I tell them then, cheers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yyscq8azYWM

x2rider

20th-December-2006, 07:22 PM

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"

"Yes he does, " answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing."'

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.

"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this." Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'

"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.

"I don't know, lets see." replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

Cheers martin :santa:

x2rider

20th-December-2006, 07:27 PM

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!

O no !!!!!!

Sultan of Swing

20th-December-2006, 08:00 PM

A friend of mine asked his wife what she'd like for Christmas?

After a little thought she said, 'I'd like something that goes from 0 - 100 in 2.5 seconds flat!'

My friend bought her a set of bathroom scales.

Bronte

22nd-December-2006, 12:08 PM

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??
Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed!!!" :)

Julia

22nd-December-2006, 03:18 PM

That's very cute, Bronte. I've sent it on to a few of my female friends who will appreciate it.

Julia

tech/a

19th-January-2007, 03:47 PM

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

ONLY IN AMERICA!

spitrader1

19th-January-2007, 04:04 PM

A man and his three friends were moseying along somewhere in the American midwest when one of them says

"Hey, that looks like a bacon tree over there"

They talked about it and decided it was.

The first one said "Well, I really fancy a bacon sandwich, so I'm going over there, I'll see you shortly" and off he goes on his horse.

A couple of hours pass and the two remaining friends are getting worried, because that tree wasn't very far away, when their friend comes staggering back into sight, his hat full of arrows.

"What happened!!!" they cried.

"It wasn't a bacon tree after all", he said "It was a hambush"

nomore4s

19th-January-2007, 11:48 PM

This story appeared in the local paper in here in Darwin.

A 18yo female with the help of her Father purchased her first car from a sencond hand dealer for around $5000.00, later that day she went to a fast food drive thru, but couldn't get the window to wind down. So the next day she took the car back to the dealer and complained that the windows didn't wind down, the dealer gets in the car and winds the window down with the MANUAL window winder.

Don't know if she was blond or not.

nomore4s

19th-January-2007, 11:57 PM

Q: What's pink and fluffy?

A: Pink fluff

Pretty poor I know, but it's late :rolleyes:

x2rider

24th-January-2007, 08:21 PM

A kiwi arrives at the passport control at sydney airport hoping to immigrate to Australia .
The Passport officer says " Whats you business in Oz ? "
"I wish to immigrate" says the Kiwi
The customs officer then says " Do have have any criminal convictions "
The Kiwi replies " I didn't think you still needed them

Cheers martin

x2rider

24th-January-2007, 08:23 PM

An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry
into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in
the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is
bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat
gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks with a deep sense of
resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterday."

x2rider

24th-January-2007, 08:34 PM

Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

constable

24th-January-2007, 08:41 PM

Q: What's pink and fluffy?

A: Pink fluff

Pretty poor I know, but it's late :rolleyes:
nearly as sad as....
Q: What's brown and sticky?

A:A brown stick! hahahahahaha

Bronte

24th-January-2007, 09:10 PM

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a *****," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is !!!!

Bronte

26th-January-2007, 11:37 AM

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Mable, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the damned jar open." :)

insider

26th-January-2007, 11:46 AM

nearly as sad as....
Q: What's brown and sticky?

A:A brown stick! hahahahahaha
That's funny!!!

PureCoco

26th-January-2007, 02:19 PM

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

2020hindsight

26th-January-2007, 08:53 PM

or maybe "whats brown sticky and sits on a piano stool?"

Beethoven's last movement.

2020hindsight

26th-January-2007, 10:04 PM

Two drovers standing in a bar. .." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
like the bushie who thought that "alternate route" meant the sister in law.

Bronte

27th-January-2007, 09:01 PM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" :)

wayneL

27th-January-2007, 09:24 PM

Tony bLIAR launches his pop career:

http://www.whydidigowrong.co.uk/?p=489

wayneL

27th-January-2007, 09:27 PM

The 'Four Yorkshiremen' sketch by the Monty Python team...an oldie but a goodie :D

**************************

Yorkshireman I (Eric Idle): Very passable, this, eh? Very passable.

All: Ay, oh ay.

Yorkshireman II (Graham Chapman): Nothing like a good glass of Chbteau de Chasselet, eh, Josiah?

Yorkshireman III (Terry Jones): Oh, you're right there, Obadiah.

Yorkshireman II: Ay.

Yorkshireman I: Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chbteau de Chaselet, eh?

All: Ay, ay.

Yorkshireman IV (Michael Palin): Them days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea.

Yorkshireman II: Ay! A cup of cold tea!

Yorkshireman IV: Ay!

Yorkshireman I: Without milk or sugar!

Yorkshireman III: Or tea!

Yorkshireman IV: In a cracked cup and all.

Yorkshireman I: Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!

Yorkshireman II: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

Yorkshireman III: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.

Yorkshireman IV: Because we were poor!

Yorkshireman III: Ay!

Yorkshireman IV: My old dad used to say to me: "Money doesn't bring you happiness, son!"

Yorkshireman I: He was right!

Yorkshireman IV: Ay!

Yorkshireman I: I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old tumble-down house with great big holes in the roof.

Yorkshireman II: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Yorkshireman III: You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in the corridor!

Yorkshireman IV: Oh, we used to DREAM of living in a corridor! Would have been a palace to us! We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House, huh!

Yorkshireman I: Well, when I say "house", it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us!

Yorkshireman II: We were EVICTED from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake!

Yorkshireman III: You were lucky to have a lake! There were 15 of us living in a cardboard box in the middle of the road!

Yorkshireman IV: A cardboard box?

Yorkshireman III: Ay!

Yorkshireman IV: You were LUCKY! We lived for three months in a newspaper-lined septic tank! We used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to work down the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

Yorkshireman II: Luxury! We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day at mill, for twopence a month, come home, and dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle... IF we were lucky!

Yorkshireman III: Well, of course, we had it tough! We used to have to get up out of the cardboard box in the middle of the night, and lick the road clean with our tongues! We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel, work twenty-four hours a day at mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a breadknife!

Yorkshireman I: Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill and pay mill-owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves, singing Hallelujah!

Yorkshireman IV: Oh, ay. And you try and tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you!

All: No, no they won't!

noirua

28th-January-2007, 09:51 AM

Hi wayneL, I'm not sure that's how a Yorkshireman speaks. Cricketer, Fred Trueman was, and Geoff Boycott is, a Yorkshireman. Very funny anyway.

A bit of Yorkshire: 'Ear all, see all, say nowt, Eat all, sup all, pay nowt,
And if ever tha' does owt fo'nowt, Allus do it fo' thi sen. Weeya'st tha bin, Gee us some spice, Oss thi sen, Gee o'er, Fancy leckin footy? Tha gret 'apeth! ! A seh, will tha gee o'er wazzin' cobs?

This one is called "Funny", so I suppose it must be: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bPMwAHdJCg&mode=related&search=

2020hindsight

28th-January-2007, 12:36 PM

some ads - some funnier than others
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvTU0rlhBVw&mode=related&search= commercials
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1S9eOhUFuPo&NR beer suntan oil
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ5SWx2Wuro&NR beer pale ale
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1t1GBYM4Zws&NR waking up

x2rider

29th-January-2007, 07:55 PM

Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

What's an Australians idea of foreplay?
You awake?

What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?

Cheers Martin

constable

1st-February-2007, 08:22 PM

Every morning at 6am, a jewish milkbar owner in Caulfield would swing open his doors, put out his sign and pick up his newspapers. He had been doing this for years open and shut ,open and shut, day in day out.. One morning he felt so disheartened with his lot in life he raised is arms at the sky and yelled out "Lord please let me win tattslotto so i can get away from all this". Of course nothing happened but every morning he kept raising his arms at the sky shouting the same request.
This went on for several months until finally one morning the clouds parted and huge voice boomed down at the little man "SON CAN YOU HELP US OUT BY BUYING A TICKET".

tech/a

6th-February-2007, 12:23 PM

Two mates in a bar:-

Mate 1 " Seems its over I've decided to leave my wife."

Mate 2 "Why?"

Mate 1 "She hasnt spoken to me in 6 mths!!"

Mate 2 "Hell mate I'de seriously re consider ---wives like that are hard to come by!!"

Bronte

10th-February-2007, 12:56 PM

Breeding Bulls

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,

said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
with the same cow?"

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and he should eventually make a full recovery just in time for the
divorce proceedings .

BIG BWACULL

10th-February-2007, 03:27 PM

husband goes to doctor: "doctor doctor my wifes trying to poison me"
doctor: ''Hang on let me have a word to her and try
sort this out"
Doctor to husband : "Look i have been chatting with your wife for
the last three hours I suggest you take the
poison" :D

x2rider

12th-February-2007, 07:16 PM

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

:D

BIG BWACULL

12th-February-2007, 09:50 PM

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

:D

I can carry 3 dozen donuts :D

BIG BWACULL

12th-February-2007, 10:38 PM

A horse walks into a PUB and the bar tender says
"why the long face"

BIG BWACULL

12th-February-2007, 10:46 PM

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V. :banghead:

BIG BWACULL

12th-February-2007, 10:48 PM

it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!

...now its 11:00 at the police station...

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!

...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.

billy-bob: i know... and thats not my finger!!

insider

12th-February-2007, 11:52 PM

Schapelle Corby... LMFAO :D

pacer

13th-February-2007, 02:53 AM

Dont read this one if you are easily offended....

Why don't vampires have steady girlfriends.....?
They can only get it once a month.....:eek7:

justjohn

14th-February-2007, 09:00 PM

A grasshopper entered a bar to order a drink
The barman said to the insect "we have a drink named after you"
The grasshopper replied "what Gary'' :D

Bronte

15th-February-2007, 09:19 AM

Subject: How to come home drunk and still get a hot breakfast

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water
on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!
He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the
bathroom light and notices a post-it on the mirror: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - I Love you!!"He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Sheepishly, Jack asks,"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and almost broke your nose when you ran into the bedroom door."
"Okay...so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...
....'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'".

Broken table - $200

Hot breakfast - $5

Red Rose bud - $3

Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!!!!

Bronte

15th-February-2007, 08:27 PM

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

constable

15th-February-2007, 08:44 PM

constable

15th-February-2007, 09:43 PM

Talking about valentines day and relationships, here's some absolute pearlers from an actual washington post competition asking for a 2 line rhyme with the most romantic first line , but the least romantic second line.
Well here they, be warned dont attempt this at home!! :D

- My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

- I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why i always wake up screaming.

- Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything that you are not.

- Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But i only slept with you because i was pissed!

- I thought that i could love no other.
that is until I met your brother.

- Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are
dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

- I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't dare take that paper bag off your face.

- I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

- My love, your take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

- My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

- And last but not least

- What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

BIG BWACULL

16th-February-2007, 05:25 PM

A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "That doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his A hole?"
And the zoo keeper says, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth!"

misterS

16th-February-2007, 06:55 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
- Sold his soul to Santa

drmb

16th-February-2007, 07:09 PM

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of paracetamol, Tenormin is Atenalol, etc. The Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts huddled out at Symonston (that's a Canberra sheep paddock), it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Royce

16th-February-2007, 07:42 PM

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Royce

Bronte

21st-February-2007, 12:02 PM

The afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform

the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no

afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word

he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the

golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much

all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late

at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Perth."

2020hindsight

21st-February-2007, 12:11 PM

lol, top joke, Bronte. :) :bunny:
here's one that no doubt everyone has read, (and not as good as yours) but what the hek.

mrWoodo

22nd-February-2007, 03:47 PM

Looking through the premiumdata website, came across their
alternative market glossary (http://www.premiumdata.net/support/alternative.php).

From there, a few I like :

Analyst recommendations: –
Strong Buy – Buy
Buy - Hold
Hold – Sell
Sell – It’s too late.

Daytrading: - an activity that takes place in between meaningful periods of employment.

Institutional investor: - someone who dumps a stock big-time, a day or two after you’ve bought it, for no apparent reason.

Zero-sum game: – a game in which the players slug it out and the broker wins.

Flathead Flick

23rd-February-2007, 07:43 AM

Anyone else feel like this from time to time?

http://www.grudknows.com/inanemutterings/fs_mad_keybd.asp

Royce

23rd-February-2007, 05:51 PM

A grief stricken woman walks into a veterinary clinic with a very dead parrot in her hands.

She gently lays the dead bird on an examining table in front of the vet who looks at the woman quizzically. "There is something wrong with my parrot" the woman exclaims. The vet looks at the dead parrot, and pokes it with his finger. The bird does not react. He looks at he woman who's on the verge of tears, shakes his head and says "Its dead"
"How can you be sure! All you did was poke it, perhaps it could be in a coma." The woman exclaims.

The vet rolls his eyes and walks out the back. He shortly returns leading a Labrador dog on leash, he motions the dog up onto the table with the bird. The dog sniffs the bird over and looks at the vet, lowers his ears and whines as it shakes its head.

The vet takes the dog away and comes back with a cat. Places the cat in front of the bird. The cat sniffs the bird up and down, looks at the vet, gives a short meow and shakes its head hops off the table and runs out the back.

"See!" the vet says to the woman. "Your parrot is dead."
The woman begins crying as reality dawns on her. The vet writes out the bill and gives it to the woman who quickly looks at it.

"$1500 dollars, but you didn't do anything".
The vet just looks at her and says "If you had taken my word for it, it would only cost $20 bucks, but with the lab report and cat scan....."

Royce

Bronte

28th-February-2007, 01:44 PM

Petrol

A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog
was in heat, and to come and ask you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later
with no dog. Surprised, her Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl says, Dad "She ran out of petrol about halfway, so another dog is pushing her home." :)

2020hindsight

3rd-March-2007, 08:17 PM

"how do you do, how do you do :)
"what did you say your name was again?
"Brian Bourke...
" oh shinbone - looks like I'll be resigning fist thing Monday - rats !!"

Bronte

5th-March-2007, 09:24 AM

A young blonde woman in Perth was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself from the Narrows Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with
one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. I get food and
free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. - "this is the Rottnest Ferry :)

Sultan of Swing

7th-March-2007, 08:28 AM

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Sandton was recently faced with a unique problem.

Many students who were 12-year-olds were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would have to remove them and the next day they would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called them all to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show
them how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and proceeded to clean the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!!

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

mrWoodo

7th-March-2007, 09:19 AM

One for the bulls (attachment included)

tech/a

13th-March-2007, 11:34 AM

Classic

> Subject: FW: Things People Said In Court
>
>
>
>>>>These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
>>>>down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
>>>>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>>>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>>>
>>>>___________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>>>>WITNESS: July 18th.
>>>>ATTORNEY: What year?
>>>>WITNESS: Every year.
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>>>>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>>>
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>>>WITNESS: I forget.
>>>>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>>>>forgot?
>>>>
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>>>>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>>>>WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>>>>
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What was the first thin g your husband said to you that
>>>>morning?
>>>>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>>>>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>>>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>>>>WITNESS: We both do.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>>>>WITNESS: We do.
>>>>ATTORNEY: You do?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>>>>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>>>
>>>>___________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>>>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>>>>
>>>>_______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>>>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>>>WITNESS: Uh....
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>>>WITNESS: None.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>>>WITNESS: By death.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>>>>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>>>>dead people?
>>>>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
>>>>go to?
>>>>WITNESS: Oral.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>>>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>>>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>>>>an autopsy on him!
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>>>WITNESS: Huh?
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>>>>for a pulse?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>>>>you began the autopsy?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>>>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>>>practicing law.
>>>>
>
>
>

nizar

13th-March-2007, 11:43 AM

>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>>>>for a pulse?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>>>>you began the autopsy?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>>>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>>>practicing law.
>>>>
>
>
>

Gotta love that last one :D

Bronte

13th-March-2007, 11:48 AM

Yes, excellent tech/a
Thanks for the laugh :D

2020hindsight

13th-March-2007, 03:54 PM

yep - lol - gr jokes t/a, and gr8 joke of yours too Bronte - I've just had to adapt it to the Manly ferry ;)
PS Are you sure jumping off the narrows bridge is harmful lol?

imajica

14th-March-2007, 10:00 AM

The New Maths

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

And what makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

PLUS, look how far a.ss-kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close;

and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh.it and As.s-kissing that will put you over the top!

So, HAVE A NICE DAY AND CONTROL THAT A.SS-KISSING

2020hindsight

14th-March-2007, 12:49 PM

lol - good one, imajica
and I notice, for the big money, you need CORRUPTION - gets you almost 150% ! (149) :2twocents

Also when you have a HANGOVER , yuo're at 90% ;) - speaking of which , wish I'd sold yesterday - anyone know where I can buy a bottle of vodka for $1.50?

bvbfan

15th-March-2007, 03:23 AM

what is an a-s-s?

We are Australia it should be a-r-s-e shouldn't it which is an extra 4%

Bronte

15th-March-2007, 05:39 PM

Desert Island

A normal 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided To
take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded To
have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found
himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only
bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material
I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertwoven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As
theywalk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it
home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop
of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you
like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what
he's hearing.

"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his
eyes. Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports here" :)

bvbfan

16th-March-2007, 04:05 AM

If I was 40, I would BE that man

:silly:

nioka

21st-March-2007, 09:41 PM

A 90 yr old man went to the doctor for a check up. He was asked how he felt and replied "great I am now married to an 18 yr old and we have just come up with a new son. How is that?"
The doctor thought for a minute then said " I have a friend who was going hunting and mistakingly picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When confronted with a huge bear he pointed the umbrella at the bear and it fell down dead. What do you think about that?
The old man replied " I think someone else must have shot the bear".
Exactly said the doctor.

Bronte

22nd-March-2007, 08:38 AM

THE LODGER

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you pop back from the darts and see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.

Do you have hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!" :)

2020hindsight

22nd-March-2007, 09:26 AM

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!" :)
Rofl, Bronte , you get some beauties , lol

Bronte

23rd-March-2007, 03:25 PM

Glad you enjoyed the joke 2020 :) :)

2020hindsight

24th-March-2007, 01:46 PM

Bronte if I ever get into a darts team - you can be there for the joketelling lol.

You know the one about the Irish carpenter ordering 4 beers? ;)

http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/musik/music-smiley-005.gif

Kauri

24th-March-2007, 01:58 PM

One for Chicken...

2020hindsight

24th-March-2007, 02:48 PM

http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-014.gif good one, kauri, rofl.

chops_a_must

26th-March-2007, 07:50 PM

Q. What's the best thing about being Ben Cousins right now?

A. It's just one more sleep to go until Easter.

constable

28th-March-2007, 10:01 PM

now if your the slightest bit pollitically correct i take no responsibility!
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less than his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Even my mrs found the funny side to this ( after she slapped me)!

TheAbyss

29th-March-2007, 11:52 AM

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few

2020hindsight

31st-March-2007, 05:33 PM

Miranda rights ... the ones about "you have the right to remain etc etc ..." taken to the nth degree ;)

Freeballinginawetsuit

31st-March-2007, 05:46 PM

The West Coast Eagles in conjunction with thier major sponsor Hungry Jacks is proud to announce the 'Ben Cousins Meal Deal'.......

No Burger or Fries, just Coke and Ice.

Realist

31st-March-2007, 06:23 PM

NEW PAKISTAN CRICKET COACH ANNOUNCED:

Pakistan have just announced their new coach, Gladstone Small.

On introducing him to the side, Pakistan's cricket head said,

"OK, lets see if any of you blokes can choke this guy!!!"

constable

31st-March-2007, 06:31 PM

Bronte

19th-April-2007, 08:43 AM

Beautiful Wife
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each
other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Fremantle, but I worked both sides of the river.":)

Julia

19th-April-2007, 10:37 AM

Bronte

19th-April-2007, 01:10 PM

Hey Bronte, that's funny. Thanks.
You are welcome Julia.:)
Pleased you enjoyed the joke.
A great way to start the day...

2020hindsight

19th-April-2007, 01:40 PM

bronte
I think your jokes are disgraceful! and I cant wait till this reputation rating thing comes in, and I can post my opinion of your jokes -

and that goes double for all those other people who even suggest that there are any other positions than missionary , and ...

thought for the day .. I wonder what the Armish would call their position(s) - "genesis position?" :2twocents

Bronte

19th-April-2007, 01:48 PM

You are a lot of fun 2020 :)
Great to have you around :)

BIG BWACULL

19th-April-2007, 01:59 PM

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.:eek:

BIG BWACULL

19th-April-2007, 02:03 PM

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

BIG BWACULL

19th-April-2007, 02:14 PM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

Bronte

20th-April-2007, 06:10 PM

Duped :)
Thought this was a great read....

BIG BWACULL

20th-April-2007, 06:16 PM

SUPER LOL What a classic :D

Captain_Chaza

20th-April-2007, 06:35 PM

Crikey!
I just saw a 6 year old girl walk up to a footballer who had a man's tattoo on his arm and say
"He looks like the man I slept with last night!"

BIG BWACULL

20th-April-2007, 09:39 PM

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem so she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?":banghead:

nomore4s

23rd-April-2007, 09:26 PM

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in
the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf
Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.................................................. ..................
..

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and
try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0
update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers
3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly
Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus
in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These
are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Bronte

26th-April-2007, 07:55 PM

Subject: Grandmas

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing Home. About then, an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandma's said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts, and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!" "How in the world did you guess?" The old Grandmas snickered and laughed, slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,
"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!" :)

justjohn

27th-April-2007, 07:55 PM

Whats grey and has a trunk
A mouse going on holidays
Whats brown and has a trunk
A mouse coming home from a holiday
SORRY:p:

BIG BWACULL

27th-April-2007, 08:11 PM

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.:eek:

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked.
Bring Pizza & Beer.:D

Bronte

28th-April-2007, 05:24 PM

Very funny BIG :)
Just had to share this one:

josh82

28th-April-2007, 05:56 PM

Q. What do you call an impotent aardvark?

A. a Vark

2020hindsight

28th-April-2007, 06:20 PM

the bushie who goes to town - meets a city girl - takes her out on first date.
she sees a mink coat - "oohhh isn't that nice" so he grabs a brick, throws it through the shop window, bang, she gets her mink "oohh thank you aren't you a sweety"

couple of shops further down " oohh isn't that a nice handbag" bang, she gets her handbag

few shops further down " oohh isn't that a nice pair of shoes"
he replies "YOu think I'm MADE of bricks !!??

drillinto

28th-April-2007, 07:36 PM

HUMOUR: New Scientist's Feedback Column
28 April 2007

Just send your bank details...

GOOD news for dupes of the infamous Nigerian spam frauds who sent money to "419" scammers but never received their promised rewards. We've been told that the Nigerian Economic and Financial Crimes Commission is going to make it up to you.

Feedback has just received a letter from one Bello Ahmed of "EFCC Prohibits Office" telling us, "The Nigeria Government has set side for your compensation for all your past efforts and attempts to assist this duped character." Just tell Ahmed all the information you used in sending money to the scammers, and the Nigerian government will give you $150,000.

In case past losses have left you wary, Ahmed thoughtfully provides a link to the commission's website,

BIG BWACULL

4th-May-2007, 03:53 PM

HE HE HA HA :banghead:

BIG BWACULL

4th-May-2007, 03:56 PM

AHH CRIPES WHew lucky its only friendly fire DOH!! :banghead:

BIG BWACULL

4th-May-2007, 03:58 PM

Very funny BIG :)
Just had to share this one:
Least its not a toadstool LOL

BIG BWACULL

4th-May-2007, 04:26 PM

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor. :banghead:
:D

BIG BWACULL

5th-May-2007, 02:19 AM

Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!" :confused: :banghead:

Good Night :D

2020hindsight

5th-May-2007, 02:33 AM

ya mad Bwacull lol
good one ;)

x2rider

10th-May-2007, 02:03 PM

Hi folks
Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which
I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored
in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch
TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and
I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to
be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my
Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

Cheers martin :)